Not sad it is over, just blessed it happened...

The only way... to have it ..my way: build my own SE, my own rhythm, my own projects!

Having embarked on a specific research project for the coming 4 to 6 years, inducing a trip to India of 1 to 2 months every 6 months, I have to adjust, build my own rhythm around it, my own activities.
Consulting comes as a natural time and punctual activity.
As well as my own social enterprise.

But Gosh is it hard and time consuming right now.
Trying to find a balance:

• geographically between where I need to live (Munich), where I have most of my professional contacts (Paris and London), where I am conducing my research, PhD project and studies, where I would love to live (Biarritz, islands...)
• financially: how to find projects to be paid for and yet to be free enough to travel, lead the research projects I have started in India... generate enough money to sustain myself and a starting family
• emotionally: between a place of heart, a choice of climate, a necessity of studies... a place of spiritual practices...

So here ya go, finding balance, as a core to perseverance, to systemic change? innovation??

Retour aux sources... quelques jours de ... campagne francaise!

Quelle joie de venir souffler un peu au ...pays!

en pleine campagne... pres de Vichy... magnifiques Allier... Auvergne!

where you can find...
Flying... cats! fake ones.. real ones... really lazy!
and of course...

My dear friends Lynn (SA) and Olivier... we go back 21 years now... started in Paris with a conference on South Africa in 1992, and a rugby tour with Nick Mallet in 1994

 And reconnect with great food, great wines, relaxing times...and ... spring! after 3 years of Kerala tropical weather...

what a pleasure to enjoy a fireplace, long dinner conversations...

Perfect place to start my 1st PhD article: read, compare, write, analyse, propose new concepts, design new models...:

Technology at the BoP, an Indian perspective.

I will publish it for the next Insead ISEC conference, in Madrid in April, and that is a lot of work to put those 10 to 15 pages together... but so much worth it!

When I close my eyes since a few days… here is what I see:

Bloody bells!

…

And multivariate regressions!

(Bells as a … nurturing belly????)

Gosh, has this PhD process been cathartic!!! In every way!

In close to 250 hours of classes in 3 weeks, we covered a program usually done in 4 months in the best universities in the world!

This lead to days of 10 to 12 hours of classes per day plus 4 to 6 hours of prep, reading, exercises, assignments additional, the last 3 days 20 to 22 hours of work to finalize papers, stats tests…!

I have probably read more theoretical articles, academic papers in those past 3 weeks than in the past 10 years.

What have I learned?

Freedom for example… is defined by df, not an absolute value, but a value that depends on the choices you make for the last value of a series of variables!

Basically…freedom is not being able to do everything I want, maximization of my individual pleasure but defined by my choices, and those choices which narrow down my overall freedom closely define my pleasure and values, called the treatment of your regression!

Df is determined by the choice of the value of your last variable. In a similar way you confidence interval is defined by your choice of α!

Freedom is a choice! And your choice reduces your freedom on one hand and strengthens it just as well… in a funny way!

The more variables you add to your priorities, your hypothesis, the thinner your Bell becomes, the narrower the population… the less your choices are solid in a way, the less you can analyze your claim… take decisions, engage!

Basically the more you spread yourself away from the mean, the less your analysis of randomness of a sample is accurate!

Engagement just the same way: this process of epistemology is so hard that being half engaged in the PhD methodology is simply impossible.

You can only do it fully… or not!

Any half commitment is simply a lie to … yourself first… and others, especially the person you are requesting time from to… guide you!

So yes clear values are crucial, central, pivotal for this exercise of research, knowledge compilation and hypothesis construction, theory building: strong engagement, persistence, ruthless self inquiry, honesty… faithfulness even!

But then of course engaging on such a path does not allow you to stay in an environment which contradicts those core values, endangers them, or even just brings insecurity.

And I gained so much clarity from it all, on what I really want, what I will not accept anymore in my life, what I study…now for myself, the strength, determination, perseverance I get from it.

Just what I needed to be sure… that that path is perfect for me… it all makes so much sense!

See D Diary, Moods for 1st PhD assignment! 

Looking at the Light... shining on little things...

every day...
just because I set my mind to...simply shed a positive light on things, especially little things...especially at the start of a new day.

Sometimes it starts simply practicing yoga and meditation as well as a positive enforcement: 'this IS a beautiful day starting for me!'

Or like this morning just smiling at the sun coming up, warming the air of a cold night in the West Ghats in Tamil Nadu, ... and softly lifting the veil of clouds on the surrounding sleepy Elephant mountain, spreading colors and warmth, softness...
Or like this week, receiving my PhD courses books and feeling like a kid, a pupil, caring for them, blessed to have this opportunity at this corner of my life to be a student again: what a luxury, how grateful I am!
Getting a kiss from Mane, the 2 year old boy of my PhD colleague, or the magnificent smile of that little indian girl that I meet in the corridor every morning, we dont speak, she just smiles all the time... giggles and I smile back!
Or opening my nostrils catching fragrances on my way to Uni... of frangipanes, jasmin... and letting for a moment my mind wander away from PhD theories...
Just happy to see mango season starting after having enjoyed guava!!!
Letting a song take my mind just as well...
Or an inspiring sharing with a friend...

I guess after passing the milestone of half of the 1st term PhD classes I am just thankful, humbled to be able to get back to learning, having an opportunity to open my mind further, to share, compare, debate... calculate, research, formulate hypothesis, counter... but just as well to learn simply every day, every morning, to just... BE
... and witnessing those little things, little pleasures!
that make life so.... full of Light

Expanding...

the brain... just like a muscle, stretching...growing!

Of course I dont have much of a choice.
Since 3 days: 10 to 12 hours of class per day, with 3 core topics: Research methodology, Statistics, Evolution of Management.
3 compulsory classes: trust me, if I had the choice I would skip Stats!!!
And if you add to this, 4 to 6 hours of readings, preps, presentations... per day... you can imagine the kind of life I am getting into.
But surprisingly... I am finding ressources inside, that I never suspected.
It seems to me that I am finally finding a playground for my visual-mapping- hyperactive mind!
Almost feels like a last opportunity to finally move from the potential line into the activating/implementation one!
Living the experience without fearing the results, disconnecting from achievements, requirements.
The experience is too long in any way, to focus on any kind of end goal: 4 to 6 years... part time!
Plus the rhythm is so heavy right now, that all I can do is to take it only one day at a time.

So yes expanding ... concentration span, focus capability, analytical skills, rigor, organization methodology...reading capacity, listening skills, preciseness of semantic...words!...

But unexpectedly just as well acceptance... perseverance!...tolerance, forgiveness, self confidence... openness... letting go of unnecessary fears, worries...
expanding my heart, my soul... just as well!

A PhD as a sadhana, a way to internal acceptance, reconciliation!

Just enough energy to go through the day, read, analyse, present, formulate hypothesis... analyse datas...
eat, pray and ...sleep! a bit.

Only 2,5 weeks more to go with this academic experiment...until end of 1st round (out of 4)!

Back to School...

with my little backpack, my snacks... at...42!!!

and yes... it is...inspiring, structuring, providing a reassuring frame, yet just as well ... tough, scary, bringing up many fears, doubts...

1st classes of my PhD in India... on Research Methodology: waoo!!! quite heavy to be honest, very structured, very rigorous, and quite boring at times for me! especially when classes come in a block of 4 hours and I realize that my concentration span is 45 min max!

But inspiring too, in a way. Knowing that it is a door to some great contacts in my field, building some legitimacy each day, new ideas, confronting, reading, developing models...

"Research is a systematic way of asking questions...an examination of real phenomenon...a particular for of process of generating knowledge..."

And yet bringing up a lot of doubts too:
What do I know? What can I prove? What can I build? Will I ever be an expert, in what field? Can I have an impact in my field, bring real innovative social solutions? Will I be able to modelize them in an interesting, academic way and still applicative enough? Will I manage these 4 years? Am I doing all this for my ego? Am I enough? Can I trust their support? Do I/did I really need to know, to find out, to research, to generate knowledge, to confront, to ask for the truth?

And of course when doubts come, I try to escape in every way possible, not able to see Light any more, destroying the good around me, in me!
But destroying the old, sometimes, leaving the past in the past, confronting... the void, the unknown, the uncertainty, not knowing if ... yes...will I be strong enough, always, in the future, the reality... the infinity of possibilities of research... of life... the fears, anxieties!!!
and moving on with faith, courage, honesty, that is as well necessary, healthy!

So... the one that has never had doubts, never acted on them... never panicked...never lost trust and faith...never requested clarity...

just throw the first stone!