Ouch, Aie, Aoua!!!
Gosh, how hard it is...
to realize that this new path is definitely not a summer camp/a holiday (as much as the palm trees, the tropical fruits and beautiful beaches of Kerala have fooled me lately...) the daily life here is really hard in every way, especially when you are not just visiting as a tourist (which I was last time I was here, last year)
to find yourself stuck in an emotional washing machine, and not know when the cleansing program is planned to stop!
to feel that there is NO way back to old patterns, old copying mechanism, security systems (and God knows I am trying to escape regularly and get hammered every time stronger...:-); only moving forward is allowed, and taking a leap of faith (so scary...)
to wake up at 4.30 every morning to chant the 1000 holy names, archana, and still function well the rest of the day
to drag myself down (from the 15th floor of the E Building where I am staying, in front of the sea...) to go for satsangs or darshans, or even just food when I do not want to see anybody, avoiding their judgmental looks, uncompassionnate... and misunderstanding my mood swings for arrogance...and/or utterly painful doubts for laziness or unwillingness...
to listen any more to the bajans, quite disgracious at times coming out so loudly of the little hindu temple loudspeakers, across the road, in front of the building, during festival times...from 4AM to 9PM... without a break...so loud you cannot escape from it!
the cope with some local people burping in front of you, farting, spitting... and then smiling at you as if you are supposed to do the same
to be patient and go with local uses and ways to work, ways of committing or ... not, ways of setting/respect deadlines ...or not, and previous arrangements...keep faith that this path is right for me...
to think I have made progresses in taming my mind and find myself falling again, following the negative thoughts whispered by the black monkey in my head...on my knees after having used quick fixes, superficial pleasures to cope with growing feelings of abandonnement, self deprecation, sabotage...
to feel so alone at times to the point of acute burning pains in the stomach (gastritis kicking in again, polipis/cancer threat... ear infections now...)...My whole body telling me how much indeed there is NO WAY BACK!
and the need finally, to find this unconditional love inside, alone...
to find so many times so much hate inside and resentment to family, friends...local people I interact with through work and seva... that hurts too...
to find so much unwillingness to understand and support from people that pretend to be here to help, the feeling of rejection than felt with some friends and family ...
well... I guess all these experiences are there only to strengthen what I know already...
I AM NOT MY FEELINGS...
but yes it is indeed really hard... at times... (since last week, one week in my room, watching DVDs to num the feelings of uselessness, to heal the ear infections, acute pains... and try not to think too much of why am I here... why do I have to stand this and accept to be so disrespected at times...)
Gosh, how hard it is...
to realize that this new path is definitely not a summer camp/a holiday (as much as the palm trees, the tropical fruits and beautiful beaches of Kerala have fooled me lately...) the daily life here is really hard in every way, especially when you are not just visiting as a tourist (which I was last time I was here, last year)
to find yourself stuck in an emotional washing machine, and not know when the cleansing program is planned to stop!
to feel that there is NO way back to old patterns, old copying mechanism, security systems (and God knows I am trying to escape regularly and get hammered every time stronger...:-); only moving forward is allowed, and taking a leap of faith (so scary...)
to wake up at 4.30 every morning to chant the 1000 holy names, archana, and still function well the rest of the day
to drag myself down (from the 15th floor of the E Building where I am staying, in front of the sea...) to go for satsangs or darshans, or even just food when I do not want to see anybody, avoiding their judgmental looks, uncompassionnate... and misunderstanding my mood swings for arrogance...and/or utterly painful doubts for laziness or unwillingness...
to listen any more to the bajans, quite disgracious at times coming out so loudly of the little hindu temple loudspeakers, across the road, in front of the building, during festival times...from 4AM to 9PM... without a break...so loud you cannot escape from it!
the cope with some local people burping in front of you, farting, spitting... and then smiling at you as if you are supposed to do the same
to be patient and go with local uses and ways to work, ways of committing or ... not, ways of setting/respect deadlines ...or not, and previous arrangements...keep faith that this path is right for me...
to think I have made progresses in taming my mind and find myself falling again, following the negative thoughts whispered by the black monkey in my head...on my knees after having used quick fixes, superficial pleasures to cope with growing feelings of abandonnement, self deprecation, sabotage...
to feel so alone at times to the point of acute burning pains in the stomach (gastritis kicking in again, polipis/cancer threat... ear infections now...)...My whole body telling me how much indeed there is NO WAY BACK!
and the need finally, to find this unconditional love inside, alone...
to find so many times so much hate inside and resentment to family, friends...local people I interact with through work and seva... that hurts too...
to find so much unwillingness to understand and support from people that pretend to be here to help, the feeling of rejection than felt with some friends and family ...
well... I guess all these experiences are there only to strengthen what I know already...
I AM NOT MY FEELINGS...
but yes it is indeed really hard... at times... (since last week, one week in my room, watching DVDs to num the feelings of uselessness, to heal the ear infections, acute pains... and try not to think too much of why am I here... why do I have to stand this and accept to be so disrespected at times...)
