Tuesday, January 29, 2013

When I close my eyes since a few days… here is what I see:

Bloody bells!

And multivariate regressions!

(Bells as a … nurturing belly????)

Gosh, has this PhD process been cathartic!!! In every way!

In close to 250 hours of classes in 3 weeks, we covered a program usually done in 4 months in the best universities in the world!

This lead to days of 10 to 12 hours of classes per day plus 4 to 6 hours of prep, reading, exercises, assignments additional, the last 3 days 20 to 22 hours of work to finalize papers, stats tests…!

I have probably read more theoretical articles, academic papers in those past 3 weeks than in the past 10 years.

What have I learned?

Freedom for example… is defined by df, not an absolute value, but a value that depends on the choices you make for the last value of a series of variables!
Basically…freedom is not being able to do everything I want, maximization of my individual pleasure but defined by my choices, and those choices which narrow down my overall freedom closely define my pleasure and values, called the treatment of your regression!
Df is determined by the choice of the value of your last variable. In a similar way you confidence interval is defined by your choice of α!
Freedom is a choice! And your choice reduces your freedom on one hand and strengthens it just as well… in a funny way!

The more variables you add to your priorities, your hypothesis, the thinner your Bell becomes, the narrower the population… the less your choices are solid in a way, the less you can analyze your claim… take decisions, engage!
Basically the more you spread yourself away from the mean, the less your analysis of randomness of a sample is accurate!

Engagement just the same way: this process of epistemology is so hard that being half engaged in the PhD methodology is simply impossible.
You can only do it fully… or not!
Any half commitment is simply a lie to … yourself first… and others, especially the person you are requesting time from to… guide you!

So yes clear values are crucial, central, pivotal for this exercise of research, knowledge compilation and hypothesis construction, theory building: strong engagement, persistence, ruthless self inquiry, honesty… faithfulness even!
But then of course engaging on such a path does not allow you to stay in an environment which contradicts those core values, endangers them, or even just brings insecurity.

And I gained so much clarity from it all, on what I really want, what I will not accept anymore in my life, what I study…now for myself, the strength, determination, perseverance I get from it.

Just what I needed to be sure… that that path is perfect for me… it all makes so much sense!

See D Diary, Moods for 1st PhD assignment! 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Looking at the Light... shining on little things...

every day...
just because I set my mind to...simply shed a positive light on things, especially little things...especially at the start of a new day.

Sometimes it starts simply practicing yoga and meditation as well as a positive enforcement: 'this IS a beautiful day starting for me!'

Or like this morning just smiling at the sun coming up, warming the air of a cold night in the West Ghats in Tamil Nadu, ... and softly lifting the veil of clouds on the surrounding sleepy Elephant mountain, spreading colors and warmth, softness...
Or like this week, receiving my PhD courses books and feeling like a kid, a pupil, caring for them, blessed to have this opportunity at this corner of my life to be a student again: what a luxury, how grateful I am!
Getting a kiss from Mane, the 2 year old boy of my PhD colleague, or the magnificent smile of that little indian girl that I meet in the corridor every morning, we dont speak, she just smiles all the time... giggles and I smile back!
Or opening my nostrils catching fragrances on my way to Uni... of frangipanes, jasmin... and letting for a moment my mind wander away from PhD theories...
Just happy to see mango season starting after having enjoyed guava!!!
Letting a song take my mind just as well...
Or an inspiring sharing with a friend...

I guess after passing the milestone of half of the 1st term PhD classes I am just thankful, humbled to be able to get back to learning, having an opportunity to open my mind further, to share, compare, debate... calculate, research, formulate hypothesis, counter... but just as well to learn simply every day, every morning, to just... BE
... and witnessing those little things, little pleasures!
that make life so.... full of Light

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


the brain... just like a muscle, stretching...growing!

Of course I dont have much of a choice.
Since 3 days: 10 to 12 hours of class per day, with 3 core topics: Research methodology, Statistics, Evolution of Management.
3 compulsory classes: trust me, if I had the choice I would skip Stats!!!
And if you add to this, 4 to 6 hours of readings, preps, presentations... per day... you can imagine the kind of life I am getting into.
But surprisingly... I am finding ressources inside, that I never suspected.
It seems to me that I am finally finding a playground for my visual-mapping- hyperactive mind!
Almost feels like a last opportunity to finally move from the potential line into the activating/implementation one!
Living the experience without fearing the results, disconnecting from achievements, requirements.
The experience is too long in any way, to focus on any kind of end goal: 4 to 6 years... part time!
Plus the rhythm is so heavy right now, that all I can do is to take it only one day at a time.

So yes expanding ... concentration span, focus capability, analytical skills, rigor, organization methodology...reading capacity, listening skills, preciseness of semantic...words!...

But unexpectedly just as well acceptance... perseverance!...tolerance, forgiveness, self confidence... openness... letting go of unnecessary fears, worries...
expanding my heart, my soul... just as well!

A PhD as a sadhana, a way to internal acceptance, reconciliation!

Just enough energy to go through the day, read, analyse, present, formulate hypothesis... analyse datas...
eat, pray and ...sleep! a bit.

Only 2,5 weeks more to go with this academic experiment...until end of 1st round (out of 4)!