D.. Diary... Moods


25-01-13: Back to Old, cold, Europe
How to set myself between Munich and South India?
How to make the best of my research and combining it with a paid job?

Well I now need to finance my 4 years' research now and it is not easy. Finding a job in waste management in Europe is not the easiest thing.

And looking for a job, along side writing papers, searching is tough.
Just as well as building a life back in Europe after 2 years in India, readjust, readapt, redifining a life, values, compromises (not on the values though !)
And to face the snow neither!

First thing: see the positive side... of everything.
Snow 1st: go skying, snowboarding like last week in Austria, simply amazing, liberating!
Job search: see it as a great opportunity to meet people: like Frederic in AWM! who was very interesting, interested, inspiring.

No job yet but lots of good contacts.
In the end if I need to temp... I will!

And now heading back to Paris to deal with other parts of life: refurbishing my flat and renting it... dealing with taxes, medical insurance... boring stuff... but quite compulsory!


27-01-13:
Fist PhD assignment: From grand theory to middle range theory, from big scale to small scale? (From compulsion to consciousness?)

When I reflect on those past 2 months in India I realize that my PhD started 2 years ago when freshly arrived at Amma’s ashram I was sent to recycling seva for a few months, sorting waste 4 hours per day, sorting …my own stuff.

Only through this cleansing could the idea, the will for this PhD arise… in shape and form of… Bells!
 



 Bells, as nurturing bellies??





And the clear feeling that I was free to do what I wanted, as I am free today to study what I want.

But is freedom doing only what I want? Just free to ‘be me’… and that’s it?
So no changes in your life when you commit to something, no need to make compromises, to adjust, adapt, to have a clear committed behavior?

A bit short, innit?

Well, in Stats freedom… is defined by df, not an absolute value, but a value that depends on the choices you make for the last value of a series of variables!
Basically…freedom is not being able to do everything I want, maximization of my individual pleasure but defined by my choices, and those choices which narrow down my overall freedom closely define my pleasure and values.

Df is determined by the choice of the value of your last variable. In a similar way you confidence interval is defined by your choice of α!
Freedom is a choice! And that choice reduces your freedom in a way and strengthen it just as well… in a funny way!

Happiness is mix of liberty, freedom and constraints, compromises, frustrations, a balance between these variables, that can be easily measured by ANOVAs I guess!

Not following each pulsion/compulsions… as this has proved to lead only to… slavery!

But nowadays everything pushes us to immediate pleasure, consumption, no commitment, no engagement, no boundaries!

Hedonism, Epicureanism as new mottos of the 21st century.
What a counter sense!
The original Epicure teachings were aiming at dealing with pulsions to free ourselves from immediate pleasure, free ourselves from continuous material contingences, needs…always frustrated of not having…
And appreciate what we have…
simply!

The more variables you add to your priorities, your hypothesis, the thinner your Bell becomes, the narrower the population… the less your choices are solid in a way, the less you can analyze your claim… take decisions, engage! Make assumptions on your population, the world that surrounds you, the communities you want to analyze and empower!

Basically the more you spread yourself away from the mean, the less your analysis of randomness of a sample is accurate!
Can you carry on leading the same life when you start a new commitment?
Can your life stay the same when you start your PhD?
Can things from the past be completely neutral as if nothing happened, as if nobody is aware of it?


In this PhD, making clear choices, engaging myself has become an amazing freeing process. Freeing the mind from inextricable, infinity of possibilities. Choosing one direction and sticking to it, narrowing my research down to a clear simple reduced question.
It has really freed my mind from the constant iterative questioning, investigating process, freed my mind from that urge to always keep other options open, keep them alive… or even close doors but keeping the lock of that hotel room open for night visits!

And yes this process of choice and strong engagement has been an amazing liberation!
Just as much as the clear frame of Research Methodology. A discipline to follow, clear frame, clear guidelines…Felt very boring, very constraining at first, but just as well freeing the mind from its wandering meanders.

Enough doubts coming from the process itself: Feynman in the ‘Uncertainty of science’ defines “scientists, as used to dealing with doubt and uncertainty. All scientific knowledge is uncertain. This experience with doubt and uncertainty is important. I believe that it is of very great value, and one that extends beyond the sciences. I believe that to solve any of the uncertainty of a science problem that has never been solved before, you have to leave the door to the unknown ajar. You have to permit the possibility that you do not have it exactly right. Otherwise, if you have made up your mind already, you might not solve it.”
But he states just as well that as much as it is ok to doubt, it wouldn’t right to give up searching, just because science could be misused?
So yes lets keep on searching for the truth, solutions, better condition for BoP communities.
The only condition is a willingness to improve to get better everyday, work on ourselves.
Without that clear core of honesty, no engagement can be taken and sustained.

Errors of course can be made.

Actually Michael Frese defines the process of facing errors, admitting them, finding solutions to correct them as the core of BO; a process much more rewarding, teaching a lot more, a lot deeper than any process to avoid mistakes and errors.
The only basis is that everybody takes his share, ready to admit wrongs and shortcomings.
Without that basis principle, no looking at the same directiong, no building hypothesis, bridges together!

Errors, type 1 type 2:

The process of learning from errors is defined by M Frese:
“I noticed how much Germans were afraid of new technology. When I observed people working with computers, I noticed, how difficult it was for them to deal with errors.
And the concept of complexity as:
“one way how cultures cope with high uncertainty avoidance is to develop ‘‘grand’’ theories because understanding the ‘‘complete’’ picture is uncertainty-reducing. Germany is one of the most uncertainty avoidant countries in the world (Brodbeck, Frese, and Javidan, 2002). This may be one of the factors that makes German scientific culture skeptical towards simplicity. Germans assume routinely that a certain amount of theoretical complexity is needed to mirror the complexity of the world. One often hears in discussions, ‘‘this is too easy,’’ as if Occam’s razor (the dictum that a theory should only have as many concepts as absolutely necessary and that more parsimonious theories with fewer variables are superior) had never made it to Germany”.

Could that be the reason to stick to the past, this inability to overcome it, to deal with the possibility of being wrong?

Therefore not really willing to learn from errors like the American do, and become specialists in empirical methods, applied science, and technology…

So yeah! very painful too… as at some stage sooner than later you need to be rigorous, coherent and true to yourself: can I stay in a base, which does not bring me any serenity? What is the environment that will nurture me enough to carry on, on that path!
Again clear choices are necessary, and a ruthless honesty to oneself!

Reputation is key just as well: the one that shows your choices of method, of theory background, of rigor, faith and faithfulness!
The one that allows you to build a network of interest, of research topics, to publish, to get interest in your theory principles.

In a PhD journey, you are what you write, the choices you make, the ideas you develop, the one you choose to base your analysis your theory developments on!
Your capacity to be published, to get others to work with, necessary collaboration in many fields, especially mine, not because they are passionate about your topic but because they relate to your values!

From theory to practice, empiric approaches, from work to private!

So from concepts to abstracts, from variables to hypothesis, to statistical analysis to define core variations of populations, samples… I now only focus on 2 grassroots level projects:
A SSR concept of youth citizenship
A waste management integrated system as a show-case of simple/affordable BoP sustainable, renewable energy technologies, a center of excellence, a training center…for communities up to 5000 people.
Less ambitious than my initial arrogant claim to change the world, but a lot more realistic.

My approach being a lot more qualitative will yet still integrate quantitative elements, close to be set as a grounded theory model.
Since I have been involved in this for the past 2 years key topics have emerged already for me: education to empower deprived communities and show casing, replicating simple, affordable models at grassroots level.

From Grand theories, Error management, PI, awareness in work environment, values of research, to middle range, application of error management to motivation of employees, PI as team cohesion and driver…
From a research exercise to a way of life…
Getting more clarity on the way about values…

21-12-12

Today, day of the end of the world…so they say!

Well… today I experienced quite an amazing flow of grace that I had to share with the people I love, with Amma and my brothers and sisters in Amritapuri…

Which is… what I did.


Amma during the satsang she helds on the beach (2 days per week), this afternoon asked the following question:
What fears came up for you with the last day of the maya calendar era, the announced end of the world?

I had such a strong experience to share that I jumped on the passing mike:
What have been my conscious and unconscious feelings during these past weeks? Were these storms, one after the other, really caused by this dramatic predication?

I came back to India after 2 months in Europe, only 2 weeks ago.
After a few days in the ashram I hopped on a train, heading north, to assist and help to final details of organization for a conference on sustainability I had contributed to design/define at its very beginning 6 months ago. I was closely involved with the 2 core organizers sharing my expertise of 15 years in sustainable development, 3rd sector capacity building, community engagement and social innovation.
So I suggested to focus on outcomes/outputs for such an opportunity to have not only an informative conference but as well an impactful event leaving a lasting trace and legacy for the beneficiaries in need of sustainability: deprived communities.
I got turned down (even taken out of the organizing committee) under the assumption that Amma wanted only an academic conference leaving a very good impression of Amrita’s institution to the eminent panel invited from all around the world.
Having come here for the very pragmatic and people oriented projects that Amma has led for more than 30 years I felt quite disoriented by such affirmations!

-I guess all religions, spiritual movements have seen their holy words, divine scriptures used, manipulated, derived to people’s advantage and self objectives, interpretations and serving their own needs… some led to wars, some to… blabla!!! Less harmful but still disappointing!-

Especially when I got asked just before conference start to edit the current website content which I had designed 6 months before.
After having been excluded without an explanation, now they were asking me to work as their secretary.
I was pissed off, humiliated but I had travelled such a long way… and wanted to serve Amma to my best… so I executed.
Yet all the rage came up and blocked me to the point of becoming pushy and disconnected with people.
I started to hate those 2!
Then I took some hindsight and reflected a bit on the painful feelings coming up: “why would I destroy myself with hate, what does that hate mean for me, what does it imply: well maybe… run the risk to have to face those 2 persons again in future life until we all can heal the conflict?”

And I surely did not want to have to meet them again and again in future lives!

So I prayed for forgiveness …for myself first, for feeling ashamed of having needed their recognition, for having needed a role, and then …for them too… filling my heart with love instead of hate.

I swallowed my frustration of having seen villagers and potential beneficiaries of sustainability project… only on the touristic pictures proudly slides to us by a UN rep, feeding back on his ‘field’ trip in Kerala, which like Rio+20 led to… nothing for those same villagers!

They were not to be seen or even mentioned throughout the 3 days of conference.


I came back to the ashram exhausted by my ‘Don Quichote’ stubbornness and resistance, just on time to welcome my parents arriving from France to visit me here for 3 months.
The first 2 days were a true honeymoon. I had never seen my parents like that; open, smiling at everybody, engaging with compassion and tolerance!
I was completely taken by surprise and stoned by the comments of my friends: “your parents are so sweet…so open… you are so lucky to have them here…”
Well … anybody that has spent some time in such a place with his or her parents could have easily predicted what happened: the honeymoon only lasted 2 days!

The 3rd day, lots of family stuff came up: succession worries…heaviness… I started to feel drained and retrieved in old-copying mechanisms: childish victimization mode, self-deprecation… and surely some elements of depression.

So I took some distance.
I hope they are not listening now…
well …I will tell in any case! But this time …With love.

So after the humiliating experience of the conference, depressing family interactions, some fever and coughing came and to top it of, my long-distance relationship became very heavy for me, bringing back just as well its load of demons: jealousy, trusting issues, incapacity to let love flow, complex situations, exes everywhere, heavily present…
“Do I really need this pain?”
“Is this woman good for you” asked a friend?
“Wouldn’t you be better of with someone here in the ashram, free from her past, ready to start on a blank sheet, available, simple, ready to engage with you?”

All the doubts came up, all mixed and combined and brought their load of misery and despair!
And then this other good friend of mine: “You really are depressed, why don’t you go to Amma to ask her about medication?”

I thought long and hard about all this: yes I was sick, I had fever, bad cough and was not sleeping well at all for weeks.
But the entire stuff coming up appeared to me then as an amazing opportunity to heal.
Medication, I felt, would only numb those feelings, push the ‘shit’ back inside!
Which I did not want.

If darkness is coming up, it creates a space for Light to come in.
If you welcome it, thank darkness …and yourself to have the courage, braveness to face it, you have a chance to turn it into Divine Light and let it go away.
Only then can love fill in, and flow!

Feeling this in my heart instead of my brain for the first time, I faced the utter pains and sorrows, compulsions, obsessions, sleepless nights, crying, holding strongly my mala in my hand as an anchor…

So this morning to clean my head I did some yoga and looked for some additional seva.
I asked the seva desk guy to give me something hard.

Gosh… had I not expected he would serve me so well!

Cleaning this Boys Hostel room, indian student room (boys) brought me back 20 years ago: the first military toilet cleaning I did at the BSPP, Fire brigade of Paris.
I hated every minute of that experience.
Well this morning I loved it, and ended up on my knees after 3 hours of rubbing, cleaning these disgusting toilets.
Here I was on my knees, crying with my arms spread, feeling such a flow of divine love, deep inside my chest, opening it up, almost so strong that it was painful!

I never experienced anything like this.
I truly felt like an epiphany!

I was finally feeling unconditional love for myself, a true sense of self, of purpose in selflessness.

Just felt a bit weird to have such bliss in such a place… and smell!

I was starting to touch the true nature of my soul, all it goodness, the depth of Divine Mother’s love.

I even had the most beautiful conversation with my fiancé today just before satsang time.
I realized that what Mother has blessed (especially on such an auspicious day as the 15th of august for a catholic guy like me!) only Mother can destroy.
I felt so strongly inside that the experiences that make me grow so much in this relationship were precisely the one defining the depth of my love, the commitment to grow side by side with strong and deep values I never had in any other relationships: she IS the woman of my life, here and now… and no need to project anything any more.

Just trust life, God, her and the Divine Light I see in her, and work hard on keeping a positive, honest and compassionate attitude.


All the humiliations of the past weeks, the family injustice, the heavy presence of her exes…
all these fears got washed away by that bliss, that feeling of Divine Love inside.


This is how my own world ended: I did not need old copying mechanisms any more.
I had a clear choice, and I was capable to feel, experience real love, happiness, positivity… I clearly knew the experience and reward of trying my best, practicing love inside: divine bliss!

So here is my answer to your question beloved Amma: I can only have faith in this new world now and be thankful for the old one to have brought me here too.

Turning darkness into Light, stinky toilets into love, fearful and blocked love into freedom and expansion, pain into bliss.

Thank you O Divine Mother for the Light you shed into my life.


Of course this act of courage, sharing as man, with as much virility, masculinity as vulnerability, as well as ruthless honesty, in front of Amma and 2000 other devotees did not stay unheard: Amma gave beautiful satsangs on the meaning of Death, how it is an integrate part of life and only a body external experience, not the soul, on cleanliness, on Light and positive attitude.

I was drained but so happy.
A moment before I had hitched hiked back from the beach and got picked by a young Indian guy on a motorbike who dropped me just on time to get my fiancé on skype.

Our deep love flowing like never before left me with such a strong sure, serenity: she is my wife to be. No need to know when, how!

Every time I was closing my eyes afterwards… rings, ideas of how, where, to propose were coming to me. Just like I tried to all her on the 12-12-2012 at 12:12…! Incurably romantic!
It took me some practice to bring me back to here and now, choosing her just now… with all I have.

In the evening the fever raised (that was probably the explanation to those proposal hallucinations!) and I was so tired I dragged myself to the hospital.
The doctor found a temperature of 42 deg, and a very strong bacterium infecting my lungs!
I had been going like this for 3 days!

I then make the link: there too Mother was healing me, opening and cleaning my heart, Anahata, the chest chakra!

Today when I closed my eyes in the toilets I saw that little child smiling at his depressed mother, letting her go to the man she deeply loves, but this time with no fears, with a true loving smile, with full acceptance and yes …no fear!
Just as well to my younger brother.
I felt I had let go, let God: forgiving fully, now free to love, be loved, expand!

Today I felt two mothers by my side: one that gave me birth in this life and tried her best with what she had but did not really understand me, and one that guided my steps through all my past lives, was carrying me now and shedding divine Light on my life today and the beautiful spiritual path I have taken and following now.

Today I know there is no way back… to the old world!



Today I see Amma in them and bow at Her divine feet, having compassion for the ego of an ex Wall Street magnate, and an accounting professor that surely did their best with their narrow experience and understanding of sustainability, community engagement, selflessness, deprived people empowerment…



05-09-12
BUILDING… BRIDGES

Reflecting on the past 2 years I have spent in an ashram (mostly this year 10 months), and especially the past weeks, days, very moving, cathartic, bringing up lots of stuff, disturbing mirrors… here in south west of India, volunteering, selfless service, with a university built by Amma the spiritual guide in all this… inspiring so strongly the PhD in social innovation which I am starting (final approval letter received yesterday!)…
I am puzzled at the amount of experiences, teachings I have had to face… often in very painful ways.

But for the few moments of grace that touched, pure unconditional love I experienced this year in few occasions…  I will do it again… any time!

I feel I have been here those past 10 months mostly to build… bridges!

Build a bridge between my past and the person I want to become: accepting where I come from and embracing fully the values, satsangs I engrained here, here and now (see Religions, Darshan, in my Projects section).
Heal the past, look clearly/honestly at the bad, the pains with courage, with compassion, without escaping in compulsions, seduction modes… with love for the copying mechanisms I had to put in place to survive.
Then grieve, be thankful, grateful, forgive and… move on!
Forgive family friends, myself! And build new bridges… on the positive!

Build a bridge between 2 cultures: the western one, European Judeo-Christian driven often by guilt, as well capitalism, culture of achievement… and the Hindu- Buddhist one with Kharma at its core, and red tapes and chaos on the side!
Not comparing but studying, learning, feeling the differences in me and letting the good emerge!
 As shared in ‘My Projects’ section, a spiritual journey in India my religion, my ancestors’ legacy is Catholicism and I remain a believer in Jesus, following with faith his message on love and forgiveness. But today I pray just as well Kali and Ganesh to remove my shortcomings and obstacles.

Building bridges in methods, ways of working too.
I have always been pushy in my work, pushing myself, others, in the sports I practiced (judo-rugby-flying-surfing…) piloting, driving things.
Well here I ran into Kerala brick walls!!!! And in any other circumstances, without the grace of Amma I would have left after a few weeks!
But I learned so much in sticking to it, realizing that all I could do, was changing my own attitude.
Not judging the Indian chaotic ways of working but finding creative approaches to adjust, adapt, make the most of both worlds, build bridges. Learning just was well to be very aware, mindful of my tendency to be too pushy, and hence to more space to people, let them come to me, express themselves in the way they are taking their time, their space, not pulling or pushing, especially with women, authoritarian ones!!!
And lately letting go of the projects I have driven strongly since a few months, letting people take over, own those projects.
They are not mine, I do not own anything, anybody. These are just mere experiences meant to make me grow. So why not learning detachment from it.
I still care and will follow up, be present but not ATTACHED. I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone!
So if people embrace the ideas I have initiated and take them forward in their own ways and with the full blessing of Amma (given so strongly last Wednesday to 30 students and 10 mentors on the SSR projects) I can only trust it will work!
When you build a bridge it is important to let go of the way it is going to be used, by whom…
If you put a toll/rules it will only reduce the flow of love intended in the first place.

Building a bridge as well between universities: Insead and Amrita, a European megalopolis and a Malayalam remote village, an hymn to capitalism and a spiritual university, the best business school in the world with the 17th ranked in India, ASB!
Lets see what will come out of it: maybe a great conference inspiring both worlds? Maybe a research project bridging, linking, influencing communities through selfless service and social innovation?
A bridge of love just as well with people I have been afraid of all my life: dictatorial, authoritarian, especially women (never knew how to deal with them!)
And Gosh did I feel humiliated here. But as bruised as I am here, been, I feel like I am going back to Europe next week, having spread love, opened my heart honestly, try with all I have to bring positive energy building projects together, singing together, praying together…
So here I am, 10 months here in 2012, 6 in 2011, having been through the washing machine of the ashram and Amma’s grace! All clean… ready to go and get dirty again!
As a toddler never getting enough of dust, mud!

I am left … completely lost, not knowing any more who I am, all defense mechanisms removed, naked as a child, defenseless… in front of his mother, loving, carrying, proudly smiling at him!

The world seems completely new, but very scary too!

Going back to my past…and trying there too to build bridges between 2 very different worlds: spirituality and ashram life for me in the past 2 years, with… 5* hotels, hard core consulting missions, M&A type of life style, on and off, all or nothing… high end strategies, trendy people, hyper seduction…
the world of the 4P’s I am coming from (see ‘Diary Moods’ section of this blog: 4Ps against 1P, my decisions, my clear positioning)… the Consulting/Banking country…
leaving my present , safe space here, where I healed my wounds deeply, where I learned to trust myself, self acceptance, self nurturing, forgiveness and moved on!
Moving on into my future, with new colors, new pictures, new songs to write, new social projects to design, to implement… with pianists, painters, surfers and or mothers, or simply unavailable presidents of the pre-mentioned c/b countries??
Today… as much as I am really scared to face those demons of the past outside of the safe and comforting, familiar environment where I healed from them, I am full of faith and hope, I trust God, Life, Amma’s grace (who blessed so strongly my choice to go back and see for myself how to build my own world, family…).
I do not know what will happen, I have no expectations, I know it will be hard and that once more I am like a bird on a dry branch, having to be ready to fly away!

But I am full of hope, looking at those bridges over the backwaters, the Adour, La Seine, the Thames, the Isaar, proudly; full of faith, strength and courage to build more, now …. From serenity, compassion and… LOVE!


14-08-12

Love

Of course you will have got it by now: I am not IN love with that priest, I love her …simply.
Before I needed so much love I often confused everything: lust for love, sex for love, tenderness and soft eyes for lust… like bugs stuck on neon…
Today I am simply aware of how important tenderness and honesty are to me.
Today every day I choose serenity, compassion and love in my life.
All I want now is a healthy, loving, faithful and honest relationship.
No more passion that burn, compulsion that through you of your feet, craziness, dramas! No dreams, just reality even when it bites!
Building trust, accepting love takes time, patience, engagement, perseverance…
If I do not have these clear signs inside of me I now know I will walk away courageously accepting the misfit, the no-go.
Such as relief to feel that I own my feelings again. That the remote control is in my own hands. That I have a way to decode, to find peace inside, and a choice to grow with love, starting from me.
I do not need, I want.
I feel Devine Love inside of me and this love is my core, my center, my purpose in life.
Last year in the mountains I met a girl with whom I had a strong physical connection and despite many red signals (smoking, not taking care of herself, aggressivity…) which should have led to accept that it is OK not to fit I fell in the trap of neediness. And it was so strong that even after realizing the amazing mirror that had been put in front of me (she was fucking me like a man, like I probably did many times, no love, just lust…harsh as a rugby player…) I took me a long time to get the lesson, the teachings.
Today I send her love and wish her to find peace in this quest of love… in inadequate places.
Of course I still think about the perfect romance at times, starting in the street with flowers, music…
How to do then when instead of your best friend you fall for the ‘slut’?
The one fucking like a man, the one who was shagging another man the night before or after you…when she decides to have some fun with you??
Well I have not yet got the answer to how to really trust such a start…
All the insecurities of my inner child came up. The generations of jealous Corsicans, proud matchos rose!.
So I did at first reject the corrupted situations, the unwanted feelings.
But I guess love has unexpected ways and after clearly starting on the wrong foot, I saw some flowers around… stated that I only wanted an honest and faithful relationship and things as by magic… got together.
I followed my heart, not my ego.
This time I took the lesson of the mirror, realizing that all the insecurities rising where only my projections, my fears of being unfaithful, of not being enough…abandonment.
I am now learning to trust myself in this new space of devine love, inside my heart, my soul.
I know there is no way back to old coping mechanisms,. That if I cheat I will pay the price: love, the love inside my heart for myself, for God, for my partner will be damaged badly.
I consciously choose today to respect this sacred love, not for her, but for me, not in a romanticized projection of an hypothetic future but today, here and now.
Today I choose to be with her because I want her in my life, because I feel I am a better person growing in the bridge of love.
Her behaviors, my jealousy demons, all other fears linked do not have anything to do with it.

I can now choose to act or not on those impulsions, fears.



22-07-12
No women… no cry….

Flying over the Arabian sea, over an ocean of tenderness, soft appearance of cotton, an infinite welcoming bed, I am taken by surprise by this wave of sensitivity.
I have not cried in years, feelings at times the utter pain of this dryness, of this drought of my heart, not being able to let go, to abandon my pride, my ego and all the pains I identified so strongly…making the whole psychological pain more physically acute every time, to the point of transferring into Metastasis, polypus -facing death- like I know deep inside that these tears are the symbol, the expression of my liberation almost a detachment to needed pains, coping mechanisms.
Letting go of the fears, finally materializing pain and witnessing it flood my shirt, not paying attention to the surprise and concern of my neighbors.
I am so tired that I fall asleep.
And wake up after a while like after a hangover!
Have I dreamed this?
How can I cry when I am on my way to meet the woman of my life, the one in my life, the one I miss every moment since one month.
Today, here and now, the person I want to smile at all the time -actually smiling at her now, my neighbors now must think I am really crazy! – the one I am want to share my craziest dreams, my deepest prayers, my best friend, my lover, my daily life.
Well I am not sad, just letting go, actually starting to feel  slowly the joy a new freedom: I do not need pain any more to identify happiness.
I do not need to sabotage to feel I am worth it.
I do not need to fear … to try, to reject… to welcome.
I AM that, in between happy and sad, very present here and now, grateful and very attentive, conscious of the fragility of life, responsible to live my life to the fullest, not in a frantic despair of fear of loosing but in a strong, serene consciousness of my responsibility to give back to God all the good I received, to reveal all the qualities he placed in me, express them by serving the Universe: love, be happy, cherish every moment, express the blessing of loving her, feeling her love, capable to take it now. Abandoning myself and yet completely aware of impermanence, responsible of my actions, master of my mind and feelings, strong mentally and physically, and yet perfectly fragile, vulnerable, not afraid of my tears.
Not needing like before to go through the ‘matcho list’ each time I was feeling weak: I am a 100kg rugby player, strong black belt in judo, carried some men on my shoulders on a ladder at the fire brigade of Paris, shot war riffles when I was training as an army officer…’
I could have killed thousands of people, here and now, it would not heal or protect me from the wounds opened from the past, the fears shrinking me into the fearful little boy, petrified by his shouting voice, all these fears that brought me to the darkest borders, cliffs of despair.

Today I wash it away in tears and I thank Bob and Marley to have made it… acceptable, touching… human… even courageous, masculine….. to cry


17-03-12
FEEL GOOD TOOLS-PRACTICES
Try it and you will see
I have suffered so many years from ups and downs without knowing what to do about it besides normal halopathy treatments and numerous psychological therapies... until I started to work with sophrology for myself and others...and I then started to develop my own methods, compiling tools.
Year after year, developing ways to deal with my stress, with my difficulties to deal with overwhelming emotions, responsibilities...to tame a hyperactive mind, brain... to embrace my life with all my potential, instead of living in fears... in the dark.
Here are a few of them:
For sophrology please go and check:
and the amazing school of my sophrology Master, my friend, Martine...

The core of the practice I currently apply in my life right now is: I AM meditation, the meditation and yoga tool developed and used at the ashram here.
So yes meditation and yoga, between 2 to 3 hours per day, waking up at 4.30am, and going to bed before 10pm makes it possible.
check:
Then of course some elements of positive thinking, corporality, realistic objectives coming from sophrology.
‘this is a good day starting for me’
Visualisation of positive situations, projection of success, retroplanning...
Now here a new one in my life... which has had an amazing impact in the way I see my role here, the way I embrace it, the way I develop my purpose, my sense of belonging...
I pick up trash, when ever I can, whenever it makes sense.
For example on my way to university (10min walk from ashram side to university side...) I try to find a plastic bag on the way and fill it till I arrive with trash, mostly plastic... and then drop it in one the uni bins.
It had the immediate effect to make me focus on my mission of setting Amala Bharatam outside the ashram as a successful social enterprise, I sets my mind on selfless service, I chant my mantra while doing it and it does liberate my mind, focussing it on my purpose.
I have seen as well surprised faces of fellow teachers as well as some of my students... very surprised at first and then getting it....
I am sure it can only bring a positive influence.
Like James, this London boy that inspired me to do so: when I first met him I was very judgemental: he looked like a thug, and I put him in the ‘football fans’ category, the hooligans I had to avoid when I was coming back home late in Fulham and there was a Chelsea game...
The one that stab you for  no reason.
Well I saw this dude picking up trash on Varkala beach, for hours at sunset time, having indians coming to him asking, embarassed what he was doing.
And then I realised. You don’t do this for them, but for yourself.
Feeling good to do your bit about Mother Nature, even if there double trash the next day. Perseverance, faith, courage, positive attitude...is what it takes...
and what it brings you actually, right away... well at what it brought me!
I started to clean places on my own like that, in silence, chanting my mantra... in the wonderful mountains of Reunion Island. Coming down  on ‘Cirque de Mafate’...and getting close to La Nouvelle!
I started to pick up trash for myself and felt so good about it.
And the feeling is still the same one year after.

I do feel a new sense of self, a new connection to Gaia, to God.


31 of December 2011
After 3 weeks in Kerala, I landed in Trivandrum airport on the 3rd of dec 2011, an urge to share as well as to make amends, take my share, straighten things up, and turn a page, move on... takes me down under...by the guts... and I need to reach out:

Sukamaano to you all,


First of all let me apologize for these harassing emails some of you may have received in the past weeks, one of these indian internet cafe virus I guess, selling viagra (like if I would  know someone who needs it!!) ... and other porn stuff (well...:-)...yet no changes in my destination/objectives... still an ashram life, all dressed in white... in a remote place of south west india and its NGO projects...just with a kind of IT turista!

I will be switching to Gmail later on this month, safer... as the same.... indian people advise me to do (since they are real geeks...)... for those who would like my new contact details, please ask...just let me know!

For those who do not like long emails let me just wish you nice moments for the end of this year...and 2012.

For those who are disturbed/annoyed by this unexpected email just delete it, and put my email address in your SPAMS


For the others...

indeed hoping you had sincere and happy moments of sharing with your loved ones... by a fire place in good cold England, Barcelona, California, New York, or on a beach in Australia, New Zealand, Barbados...looking outside the window at the glittering/overwhelming commercials for Xmas and NYE... so often so remote from its spiritual initial meaning and main purpose...but hey...ho ho ho!

The mayas, astheques and other soltheques believe that the 21 of december 2012 a new era will start for our world, our societies, our Gaia; the sun system reaching more or less half of its life time (5 billion more years to go... so no panic... we still have some more time ...to  waist it/blow it all :-)

So not only to escape the depressing predictions of some, or gloomy economic perspectives for developed countries economies for the coming decade, I decided to walk the talk of these predicted cathartic changes and pack 2 bags, 2 computers, 2 social innovation bibles...2 surfboards, my uke and make my way here!...
as well as start to practice as much as I can the teachings/satsangs I am getting here: compassion, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, selfless service, impermanence... and so many more!

Hence my email to you ALL this time, turning this big page/chapter of just as well half of my journey (hopefully...?!)...

to the ones that have enlightened my path, shared so many wonderful, inspiring moments... from Los Alamos, the grandiose Andes, Patagonia, to amazing 3 days in Biarritz for my 40th, stunning surf in Maldives, US tour with Amma, and splendid surfing time, stunning mountain trekking in Reunion island...from a small mat on the floor of an hindu temple in Trivandrum to a luxury penthouse facing the Eiffel Tour or Portobello road (thank you my Cisters)!

and to the other ones with ....less inspiring, less enjoyable moments....to say the least.

May 2012 be for you ALL a year of true changes... sweet, soft, positive... hoping for a new world, new societies, emerging models where maximization of individual profit will not be anymore the core of our economic growth models nor the nicest biggest better deal, car, house, ring...but hopefully placing communities and their core original essence at the centre of its developing mechanisms...and ego a bit less ruling all human interactions!

Some of the topics of my possible PhD thesis here: demondialization, deglobalization, placing communities (and their intrinsic characteristics) at the centre of growth cycles, exchange processes, definition of motivation/impacting factors and development of the BoP.

But let me start by thanking you all for your inspiration, the moments we share/shared as key influences for the project I am embarking on here and the values I am filling my new life with.

The good (my 40th , 3 days in Biarritz with many of you, cruises around the isle of White, uke jams all around London, festivals...surf weekends in Ireland, Devon, Cornwall…ISEP reunions in Istanbul, in Berlin lately...) and the less good...the backstabbing, fake compassion and gossiping spread in such a ....charitable environment... the chauvinistic colleagues that shoot you in the back when you don’t praise them, when you don’t do like they do…or have the same flag…pretending budget cuts…asking you to work for free...the control freaks, asking to comply to their manic compulsions …perfume to cover their... thank God we have internet and Facebook now, to find a hubby, or a new shagg, great way for emotionally impaired to engage in the open world…people personifying their dogs into...babies and treating their 'friends' like dogs...people that say sorry in ways that make you doubt their sincerity .... or is it me still not understanding the 100 ways of saying sorry in queen's english?).


Well ...glad all this is behind, but honestly... I am really glad as well to have been through all of this, honestly.

Each of these experiences have taught me a lot, and I am thankful to have been challenged to face them... to grow… and to now take the challenge I am facing here in India, starting a social innovation incubator, and my own social enterprise.


A friend here once shared with me her childhood history, and how she managed to forgive her drug addicted parents, violent, abusive: abandonment… irresponsibility….bad treatments…selfishness… a true Dickens’ story (far from mine): “because hate was eating me up physically and mentally…and I knew I could not/did not want to keep so much hate in me but only love. My forgiving them truly did not make them any better nor what they did any more acceptable, but allowed me to live more free…in peace”

It took me quite some time to understand this, to engrane it…actually 5 months in Amma’s ashram, 1 month of meditation in the Himalaya and amazing Reunion Island…


Allow me now to take my share, to say sorry to those I hurt, my sincere apologies for my behavior often categorical, steep, final, impulsive, compulsive, at times sudden, violent, verbally, physically ...

The Indians consider that we choose our family, our friends furthermore, those we spend time with, and that we built kharma (the grace that touches us) in daily acts.... to grow.... to settle things in this life (they look the incarnation / enlightenment through as many lives as necessary .... or ... to reincarnation and Hindu worlds Buddhists).

So yes! my apologies to you all and thank you.

I chose you, all, family, friends, work colleagues ... situations ... Siemens, PMGI, Action Planning, CAF, Bilbao SIP ...
and accept everything I have lived with you .... all.

As well I choose now to only try and go to things that bring me a positive energy, people who want / choose to take time to share, create time together, which are not always overbooked, ... look in the same direction, or choose to argue, fight, disagree, or even mock ... but with respect and compassion.

No more 'lets grab a bite sometime soon' 'We absolutely have to make a coffee ...' 'I'll call you to confirm you when I come to you'...' we will get back to you on this mission… can you work for free?’ ... or people who do not take sides (not to go is to choosing to stay ...) ...
No more bland things, can’t do it anymore, I am not available ...for that!


So, here it is for a special goodbye…we’ll meet again... some sunny day…somewhere.... for a few of you ... that’s sure (if those polyps decide to be benign) and good luck, good life for others .... sincerely.


For more precise info on my new project here, or just ... fresh news, I will soon put stories / adventures, pictures, videos on the 'Le camino de diego' blog mentioned above.


Peace and light to you all from this small portion of land (God's Own Land, as they casually refer) between Arabian Sea and backwaters! southwest of India.

JnD

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