05-02-18 to 06-03-18
NOVO.... BUMBUM
Thank you dear ones for your loving messages!
Deu tudo certo! Gracas a Deus!
Je vais super bien!
Carry on sending me ... musics, fotos fofas, videos…
keeps the spirit up and the abs working Je pensais qu’ils allaient en profiter pour me mettre des implants silicone … Falaram que meu bumbum era já bastante brasileiro ! Alors ils ont juste raccroche les tendons sur l’ischion ! Now 6 to 9 months of maternity leave… E daqui a pouco o parto natural do novo Dieguito Grande abraço, beijo, big hug, grosses bises a tous (texte plus long sur les autres significations a une rupture de tendons ischio-jambiers, jambe.. gauche... significado spiritual...:
A ultima vez que foi para praia foi no Pico da Cruz bem la a onde me machuquei... nessa onda bem pequenha...
Foi resar para agradecer...
There had an amazing succession of big swells over the 2-3 weeks and I could easily have broken every bone... and ended in a wheel chair in many of the whipe outs... vacas que eu tomei esses dias...
Nao... foi numa onde de uma meio metrao que meu pe trazeiro escoreou... e que senti essa faca no glute esquerdo, esse descarga electrica...
Sorte que minha prancha fico perto... ia afogar de tanta dor...
Chegei na praia sem aber como... tentei de ficar em pe... caio... um amigo surfista me ajudo a sair...
Esperei os bombeiros...
E comenco essa aventura de bombeiros subendo as dunas de quad comigo gritando... de seguros me mandando de hopsital por clinicas ate eu pedir de ir para Celsio Ramos a onde foi super bem atendido... so que depois de 20h chegam caras com balas... com policia... foi bem epico..
NE CHOISISSEZ JAMAIS MUTUAID (assurance rapatriement de votre carte VISA) comme assurance de voyages… je ne vous le recommande pas!
Resei para agradecer, porque essa aventura humana comenco com esse mar maravilhoso do verao em Floripa, agua transparente, quente, ondas lisas, maravilhosas, amigos do bairo, tudo mundo ajudando... ate hj!
Reso para agradecer de sentir essa dor para transmutar ela, para aprender dela!
Transmutar essa
TBC
25-01-13: Back to Old, cold, Europe
How to set myself between Munich and South India?
How to make the best of my research and combining it with a paid job?
Well I now need to finance my 4 years' research now and it is not easy. Finding a job in waste management in Europe is not the easiest thing.
And looking for a job, along side writing papers, searching is tough.
Just as well as building a life back in Europe after 2 years in India, readjust, readapt, redifining a life, values, compromises (not on the values though !)
And to face the snow neither!
First thing: see the positive side... of everything.
Snow 1st: go skying, snowboarding like last week in Austria, simply amazing, liberating!
Job search: see it as a great opportunity to meet people: like Frederic in AWM! who was very interesting, interested, inspiring.
No job yet but lots of good contacts.
In the end if I need to temp... I will!
And now heading back to Paris to deal with other parts of life: refurbishing my flat and renting it... dealing with taxes, medical insurance... boring stuff... but quite compulsory!
27-01-13:
NOVO.... BUMBUM
Thank you dear ones for your loving messages!
Deu tudo certo! Gracas a Deus!
Je vais super bien!
Carry on sending me ... musics, fotos fofas, videos…
keeps the spirit up and the abs working Je pensais qu’ils allaient en profiter pour me mettre des implants silicone … Falaram que meu bumbum era já bastante brasileiro ! Alors ils ont juste raccroche les tendons sur l’ischion ! Now 6 to 9 months of maternity leave… E daqui a pouco o parto natural do novo Dieguito Grande abraço, beijo, big hug, grosses bises a tous (texte plus long sur les autres significations a une rupture de tendons ischio-jambiers, jambe.. gauche... significado spiritual...:
A ultima vez que foi para praia foi no Pico da Cruz bem la a onde me machuquei... nessa onda bem pequenha...
Foi resar para agradecer...
There had an amazing succession of big swells over the 2-3 weeks and I could easily have broken every bone... and ended in a wheel chair in many of the whipe outs... vacas que eu tomei esses dias...
Nao... foi numa onde de uma meio metrao que meu pe trazeiro escoreou... e que senti essa faca no glute esquerdo, esse descarga electrica...
Sorte que minha prancha fico perto... ia afogar de tanta dor...
Chegei na praia sem aber como... tentei de ficar em pe... caio... um amigo surfista me ajudo a sair...
Esperei os bombeiros...
E comenco essa aventura de bombeiros subendo as dunas de quad comigo gritando... de seguros me mandando de hopsital por clinicas ate eu pedir de ir para Celsio Ramos a onde foi super bem atendido... so que depois de 20h chegam caras com balas... com policia... foi bem epico..
NE CHOISISSEZ JAMAIS MUTUAID (assurance rapatriement de votre carte VISA) comme assurance de voyages… je ne vous le recommande pas!
Resei para agradecer, porque essa aventura humana comenco com esse mar maravilhoso do verao em Floripa, agua transparente, quente, ondas lisas, maravilhosas, amigos do bairo, tudo mundo ajudando... ate hj!
Reso para agradecer de sentir essa dor para transmutar ela, para aprender dela!
Transmutar essa
TBC
25-01-13: Back to Old, cold, Europe
How to set myself between Munich and South India?
How to make the best of my research and combining it with a paid job?
Well I now need to finance my 4 years' research now and it is not easy. Finding a job in waste management in Europe is not the easiest thing.
And looking for a job, along side writing papers, searching is tough.
Just as well as building a life back in Europe after 2 years in India, readjust, readapt, redifining a life, values, compromises (not on the values though !)
And to face the snow neither!
First thing: see the positive side... of everything.
Snow 1st: go skying, snowboarding like last week in Austria, simply amazing, liberating!
Job search: see it as a great opportunity to meet people: like Frederic in AWM! who was very interesting, interested, inspiring.
No job yet but lots of good contacts.
In the end if I need to temp... I will!
And now heading back to Paris to deal with other parts of life: refurbishing my flat and renting it... dealing with taxes, medical insurance... boring stuff... but quite compulsory!
27-01-13:
Fist PhD assignment: From grand theory to
middle range theory, from big scale to small scale? (From compulsion to consciousness?)
When I reflect on those past 2 months in India I realize
that my PhD started 2 years ago when freshly arrived at Amma’s ashram I was
sent to recycling seva for a few months, sorting waste 4 hours per day, sorting
…my own stuff.
Only through this cleansing could the idea, the will for
this PhD arise… in shape and form of… Bells!
And the clear feeling that I was free to do what I wanted, as I am free today to study
what I want.
But is freedom doing only what I want? Just free to ‘be me’…
and that’s it?
So no changes in your life when you commit to something, no
need to make compromises, to adjust, adapt, to have a clear committed behavior?
A bit short, innit?
Well, in Stats freedom… is defined by df, not an absolute
value, but a value that depends on the choices you make for the last value of a
series of variables!
Basically…freedom is not being able to do everything I want,
maximization of my individual pleasure but defined by my choices, and those
choices which narrow down my overall freedom closely define my pleasure and
values.
Df is determined by the choice of the value of your last
variable. In a similar way you confidence interval is defined by your choice of
α!
Freedom is a choice! And that choice reduces your freedom in
a way and strengthen it just as well… in a funny way!
Happiness is mix of liberty, freedom and constraints,
compromises, frustrations, a balance between these variables, that can be
easily measured by ANOVAs I guess!
Not following each pulsion/compulsions… as this has proved
to lead only to… slavery!
But nowadays everything pushes us to immediate pleasure,
consumption, no commitment, no engagement, no boundaries!
Hedonism, Epicureanism as new mottos of the 21st
century.
What a counter sense!
The original Epicure teachings were aiming at dealing with
pulsions to free ourselves from immediate pleasure, free ourselves from
continuous material contingences, needs…always frustrated of not having…
And appreciate what we have…
simply!
The more variables you add to your priorities, your
hypothesis, the thinner your Bell becomes, the narrower the population… the
less your choices are solid in a way, the less you can analyze your claim… take
decisions, engage! Make assumptions on your population, the world that
surrounds you, the communities you want to analyze and empower!
Basically the more you spread yourself away from the mean,
the less your analysis of randomness of a sample is accurate!
Can you carry on leading the same life when you start a new
commitment?
Can your life stay the same when you start your PhD?
Can things from the past be completely neutral as if nothing
happened, as if nobody is aware of it?
In this PhD, making clear choices, engaging myself has
become an amazing freeing process. Freeing the mind from inextricable, infinity
of possibilities. Choosing one direction and sticking to it, narrowing my
research down to a clear simple reduced question.
It has really freed my mind from the constant iterative
questioning, investigating process, freed my mind from that urge to always keep
other options open, keep them alive… or even close doors but keeping the lock
of that hotel room open for night visits!
And yes this process of choice and strong engagement has
been an amazing liberation!
Just as much as the clear frame of Research Methodology. A
discipline to follow, clear frame, clear guidelines…Felt very boring, very
constraining at first, but just as well freeing the mind from its wandering
meanders.
Enough doubts coming from the process itself: Feynman in the
‘Uncertainty of science’ defines “scientists,
as used to dealing with doubt and uncertainty. All scientific knowledge is
uncertain. This experience with doubt and uncertainty is important. I believe
that it is of very great value, and one that extends beyond the sciences. I
believe that to solve any of the uncertainty of a science problem that has
never been solved before, you have to leave the door to the unknown ajar. You
have to permit the possibility that you do not have it exactly right.
Otherwise, if you have made up your mind already, you might not solve it.”
But he states just as well that as much as it is ok to
doubt, it wouldn’t right to give up searching, just because science could be
misused?
So yes lets keep on searching for the truth, solutions,
better condition for BoP communities.
The only condition is a willingness to improve to get better
everyday, work on ourselves.
Without that clear core of honesty, no engagement can be
taken and sustained.
Errors of course can be made.
Actually Michael Frese defines the process of facing errors,
admitting them, finding solutions to correct them as the core of BO; a process
much more rewarding, teaching a lot more, a lot deeper than any process to
avoid mistakes and errors.
The only basis is that everybody takes his share, ready to
admit wrongs and shortcomings.
Without that basis principle, no looking at the same
directiong, no building hypothesis, bridges together!
Errors, type 1 type 2:
The process of learning from errors is defined by M Frese:
“I noticed how
much Germans were afraid of new technology. When I observed people working with
computers, I noticed, how difficult it was for them to deal with errors.
And the concept of complexity as:
“one way how cultures
cope with high uncertainty avoidance is to develop ‘‘grand’’ theories because
understanding the ‘‘complete’’ picture is uncertainty-reducing. Germany is one of
the most uncertainty avoidant countries in the world (Brodbeck, Frese, and
Javidan, 2002). This may be one of the factors that makes German scientific
culture skeptical towards simplicity. Germans assume routinely that a certain
amount of theoretical complexity is needed to mirror the complexity of the
world. One often hears in discussions, ‘‘this is too easy,’’ as if Occam’s
razor (the dictum that a theory should only have as many concepts as absolutely
necessary and that more parsimonious theories with fewer variables are
superior) had never made it to Germany”.
Could that be the reason to stick to the past, this
inability to overcome it, to deal with the possibility of being wrong?
Therefore not really willing to learn from errors like the
American do, and become specialists in empirical methods, applied science, and
technology…
So yeah! very painful too… as at some stage sooner than
later you need to be rigorous, coherent and true to yourself: can I stay in a
base, which does not bring me any serenity? What is the environment that will
nurture me enough to carry on, on that path!
Again clear choices are necessary, and a ruthless honesty to
oneself!
Reputation is key just as well: the one that shows your
choices of method, of theory background, of rigor, faith and faithfulness!
The one that allows you to build a network of interest, of
research topics, to publish, to get interest in your theory principles.
In a PhD journey, you are what you write, the choices you
make, the ideas you develop, the one you choose to base your analysis your
theory developments on!
Your capacity to be published, to get others to work with,
necessary collaboration in many fields, especially mine, not because they are
passionate about your topic but because they relate to your values!
From theory to practice, empiric approaches, from work to
private!
So from concepts to abstracts, from variables to hypothesis,
to statistical analysis to define core variations of populations, samples… I
now only focus on 2 grassroots level projects:
A SSR concept of youth citizenship
A waste management integrated system as a show-case of
simple/affordable BoP sustainable, renewable energy technologies, a center of
excellence, a training center…for communities up to 5000 people.
Less ambitious than my initial arrogant claim to change the
world, but a lot more realistic.
My approach being a lot more qualitative will yet still
integrate quantitative elements, close to be set as a grounded theory model.
Since I have been involved in this for the past 2 years key
topics have emerged already for me: education to empower deprived communities
and show casing, replicating simple, affordable models at grassroots level.
From Grand theories, Error management, PI, awareness in work
environment, values of research, to middle range, application of error
management to motivation of employees, PI as team cohesion and driver…
From a research exercise to a way of life…
Getting more clarity on the way about values…
21-12-12
Today, day of the end of the world…so they say!
Well… today I experienced quite an amazing flow of grace that
I had to share with the people I love, with Amma and my brothers and sisters in
Amritapuri…
Which is… what I did.
Amma during the satsang she helds on the beach (2 days per
week), this afternoon asked the following question:
What fears came up for you with the last day of the maya calendar era,
the announced end of the world?
I had such a strong experience to share that I jumped on the
passing mike:
What have been my conscious and unconscious feelings during
these past weeks? Were these storms, one after the other, really caused by this
dramatic predication?
I came back to India after 2 months in Europe, only 2 weeks
ago.
After a few days in the ashram I hopped on a train, heading
north, to assist and help to final details of organization for a conference on
sustainability I had contributed to design/define at its very beginning 6
months ago. I was closely involved with the 2 core organizers sharing my
expertise of 15 years in sustainable development, 3rd sector
capacity building, community engagement and social innovation.
So I suggested to focus on outcomes/outputs for such an
opportunity to have not only an informative conference but as well an impactful
event leaving a lasting trace and legacy for the beneficiaries in need of
sustainability: deprived communities.
I got turned down (even taken out of the organizing
committee) under the assumption that Amma wanted only an academic conference
leaving a very good impression of Amrita’s institution to the eminent panel
invited from all around the world.
Having come here for the very pragmatic and people oriented
projects that Amma has led for more than 30 years I felt quite disoriented by
such affirmations!
-I guess all
religions, spiritual movements have seen their holy words, divine scriptures
used, manipulated, derived to people’s advantage and self objectives,
interpretations and serving their own needs… some led to wars, some to…
blabla!!! Less harmful but still disappointing!-
Especially when I got asked just before conference start to
edit the current website content which I had designed 6 months before.
After having been excluded without an explanation, now they
were asking me to work as their secretary.
I was pissed off, humiliated but I had travelled such a long
way… and wanted to serve Amma to my best… so I executed.
Yet all the rage came up and blocked me to the point of
becoming pushy and disconnected with people.
I started to hate those 2!
Then I took some hindsight and reflected a bit on the
painful feelings coming up: “why would I destroy myself with hate, what does
that hate mean for me, what does it imply: well maybe… run the risk to have to
face those 2 persons again in future life until we all can heal the conflict?”
And I surely did not want to have to meet them again and
again in future lives!
So I prayed for forgiveness …for myself first, for feeling
ashamed of having needed their recognition, for having needed a role, and then
…for them too… filling my heart with love instead of hate.
I swallowed my frustration of having seen villagers and potential
beneficiaries of sustainability project… only on the touristic pictures proudly
slides to us by a UN rep, feeding back on his ‘field’ trip in Kerala, which
like Rio+20 led to… nothing for those same villagers!
They were not to be seen or even mentioned throughout the 3
days of conference.
I came back to the ashram exhausted by my ‘Don Quichote’
stubbornness and resistance, just on time to welcome my parents arriving from
France to visit me here for 3 months.
The first 2 days were a true honeymoon. I had never seen my
parents like that; open, smiling at everybody, engaging with compassion and
tolerance!
I was completely taken by surprise and stoned by the
comments of my friends: “your parents are so sweet…so open… you are so lucky to
have them here…”
Well … anybody that has spent some time in such a place with
his or her parents could have easily predicted what happened: the honeymoon
only lasted 2 days!
The 3rd day, lots of family stuff came up: succession
worries…heaviness… I started to feel drained and retrieved in old-copying
mechanisms: childish victimization mode, self-deprecation… and surely some
elements of depression.
So I took some distance.
I hope they are not listening now…
well …I will tell in any case! But this time …With love.
So after the humiliating experience of the conference,
depressing family interactions, some fever and coughing came and to top it of,
my long-distance relationship became very heavy for me, bringing back just as
well its load of demons: jealousy, trusting issues, incapacity to let love
flow, complex situations, exes everywhere, heavily present…
“Do I really need this pain?”
“Is this woman good for you” asked a friend?
“Wouldn’t you be better of with someone here in the ashram,
free from her past, ready to start on a blank sheet, available, simple, ready
to engage with you?”
All the doubts came up, all mixed and combined and brought
their load of misery and despair!
And then this other good friend of mine: “You really are
depressed, why don’t you go to Amma to ask her about medication?”
I thought long and hard about all this: yes I was sick, I
had fever, bad cough and was not sleeping well at all for weeks.
But the entire stuff coming up appeared to me then as an
amazing opportunity to heal.
Medication, I felt, would only numb those feelings, push the
‘shit’ back inside!
Which I did not want.
If darkness is coming up, it creates a space for Light to
come in.
If you welcome it, thank darkness …and yourself to have the
courage, braveness to face it, you have a chance to turn it into Divine Light
and let it go away.
Only then can love fill in, and flow!
Feeling this in my heart instead of my brain for the first
time, I faced the utter pains and sorrows, compulsions, obsessions, sleepless
nights, crying, holding strongly my mala in my hand as an anchor…
So this morning to clean my head I did some yoga and looked
for some additional seva.
I asked the seva desk guy to give me something hard.
Gosh… had I not expected he would serve me so well!
Cleaning this Boys Hostel room, indian student room (boys)
brought me back 20 years ago: the first military toilet cleaning I did at the
BSPP, Fire brigade of Paris.
I hated every minute of that experience.
Well this morning I loved it, and ended up on my knees after
3 hours of rubbing, cleaning these disgusting toilets.
Here I was on my knees, crying with my arms spread, feeling
such a flow of divine love, deep inside my chest, opening it up, almost so
strong that it was painful!
I never experienced anything like this.
I truly felt like an epiphany!
I was finally feeling unconditional love for myself, a true
sense of self, of purpose in selflessness.
Just felt a bit weird to have such bliss in such a place…
and smell!
I was starting to touch the true nature of my soul, all it
goodness, the depth of Divine Mother’s love.
I even had the most beautiful conversation with my fiancé
today just before satsang time.
I realized that what Mother has blessed (especially on such
an auspicious day as the 15th of august for a catholic guy like me!)
only Mother can destroy.
I felt so strongly inside that the experiences that make me
grow so much in this relationship were precisely the one defining the depth of
my love, the commitment to grow side by side with strong and deep values I
never had in any other relationships: she IS the woman of my life, here and
now… and no need to project anything any more.
Just trust life, God, her and the Divine Light I see in her,
and work hard on keeping a positive, honest and compassionate attitude.
All the humiliations of the past weeks, the family
injustice, the heavy presence of her exes…
all these fears got washed away by that bliss, that feeling
of Divine Love inside.
This is how my own world ended: I did not need old copying
mechanisms any more.
I had a clear choice, and I was capable to feel, experience
real love, happiness, positivity… I clearly knew the experience and reward of
trying my best, practicing love inside: divine bliss!
So here is my answer to your question beloved Amma: I can
only have faith in this new world now and be thankful for the old one to have
brought me here too.
Turning darkness into Light, stinky toilets into love,
fearful and blocked love into freedom and expansion, pain into bliss.
Thank you O Divine Mother for the Light you shed into my
life.
Of course this act of courage, sharing as man, with as much
virility, masculinity as vulnerability, as well as ruthless honesty, in front
of Amma and 2000 other devotees did not stay unheard: Amma gave beautiful satsangs
on the meaning of Death, how it is an integrate part of life and only a body
external experience, not the soul, on cleanliness, on Light and positive
attitude.
I was drained but so happy.
A moment before I had hitched hiked back from the beach and
got picked by a young Indian guy on a motorbike who dropped me just on time to
get my fiancé on skype.
Our deep love flowing like never before left me with such a
strong sure, serenity: she is my wife to be. No need to know when, how!
Every time I was closing my eyes afterwards… rings, ideas of
how, where, to propose were coming to me. Just like I tried to all her on the
12-12-2012 at 12:12…! Incurably romantic!
It took me some practice to bring me back to here and now,
choosing her just now… with all I have.
In the evening the fever raised (that was probably the
explanation to those proposal hallucinations!) and I was so tired I dragged
myself to the hospital.
The doctor found a temperature of 42 deg, and a very strong
bacterium infecting my lungs!
I had been going like this for 3 days!
I then make the link: there too Mother was healing me,
opening and cleaning my heart, Anahata, the chest chakra!
Today when I closed my eyes in the toilets I saw that little
child smiling at his depressed mother, letting her go to the man she deeply
loves, but this time with no fears, with a true loving smile, with full
acceptance and yes …no fear!
Just as well to my younger brother.
I felt I had let go, let God: forgiving fully, now free to
love, be loved, expand!
Today I felt two mothers by my side: one that gave me birth
in this life and tried her best with what she had but did not really understand
me, and one that guided my steps through all my past lives, was carrying me now
and shedding divine Light on my life today and the beautiful spiritual path I
have taken and following now.
Today I know there is no way back… to the old world!
Today I see Amma in them and bow at Her divine feet, having
compassion for the ego of an ex Wall Street magnate, and an accounting
professor that surely did their best with their narrow experience and
understanding of sustainability, community engagement, selflessness, deprived
people empowerment…
05-09-12
BUILDING… BRIDGES
Reflecting on the past 2 years I have spent in an ashram
(mostly this year 10 months), and especially the past weeks, days, very moving,
cathartic, bringing up lots of stuff, disturbing mirrors… here in south west of
India, volunteering, selfless service, with a university built by Amma the
spiritual guide in all this… inspiring so strongly the PhD in social innovation
which I am starting (final approval letter received yesterday!)…
I am puzzled at the amount of experiences, teachings I have
had to face… often in very painful ways.
But for the few moments of grace that touched, pure
unconditional love I experienced this year in few occasions… I will do it again… any time!
I feel I have been here those past 10 months mostly to build… bridges!
Build a bridge between my past and the person I want to
become: accepting where I come from and embracing fully the values, satsangs I
engrained here, here and now (see Religions, Darshan, in my Projects section).
Heal the past, look clearly/honestly at the bad, the pains
with courage, with compassion, without escaping in compulsions, seduction modes…
with love for the copying mechanisms I had to put in place to survive.
Then grieve, be thankful, grateful, forgive and… move on!
Forgive family friends, myself! And build new bridges… on
the positive!
Build a bridge between 2 cultures: the western one, European
Judeo-Christian driven often by guilt, as well capitalism, culture of
achievement… and the Hindu- Buddhist one with Kharma at its core, and red tapes
and chaos on the side!
Not comparing but studying, learning, feeling the
differences in me and letting the good emerge!
As shared in ‘My
Projects’ section, a spiritual journey in India my religion, my
ancestors’ legacy is Catholicism and I remain a believer in Jesus, following
with faith his message on love and forgiveness. But today I pray just as well
Kali and Ganesh to remove my shortcomings and obstacles.
Building bridges in methods, ways of working too.
I have always been pushy in my work, pushing myself, others,
in the sports I practiced (judo-rugby-flying-surfing…) piloting, driving
things.
Well here I ran into Kerala brick walls!!!! And in any other
circumstances, without the grace of Amma I would have left after a few weeks!
But I learned so much in sticking to it, realizing that all
I could do, was changing my own attitude.
Not judging the Indian chaotic ways of working but finding
creative approaches to adjust, adapt, make the most of both worlds, build
bridges. Learning just was well to be very aware, mindful of my tendency to be
too pushy, and hence to more space to people, let them come to me, express
themselves in the way they are taking their time, their space, not pulling or
pushing, especially with women, authoritarian ones!!!
And lately letting go of the projects I have driven strongly
since a few months, letting people take over, own those projects.
They are not mine, I do not own anything, anybody. These are
just mere experiences meant to make me grow. So why not learning detachment
from it.
I still care and will follow up, be present but not
ATTACHED. I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone!
So if people embrace the ideas I have initiated and take
them forward in their own ways and with the full blessing of Amma (given so
strongly last Wednesday to 30 students and 10 mentors on the SSR projects) I
can only trust it will work!
When you build a bridge it is important to let go of the way
it is going to be used, by whom…
If you put a toll/rules it will only reduce the flow of love
intended in the first place.
Building a bridge as well between universities: Insead and
Amrita, a European megalopolis and a Malayalam remote village, an hymn to
capitalism and a spiritual university, the best business school in the world
with the 17th ranked in India, ASB!
Lets see what will come out of it: maybe a great conference
inspiring both worlds? Maybe a research project bridging, linking, influencing
communities through selfless service and social innovation?
A bridge of love just as well with people I have been afraid
of all my life: dictatorial, authoritarian, especially women (never knew how to
deal with them!)
And Gosh did I feel humiliated here. But as bruised as I am
here, been, I feel like I am going back to Europe next week, having spread
love, opened my heart honestly, try with all I have to bring positive energy
building projects together, singing together, praying together…
So here I am, 10 months here in 2012, 6 in 2011, having been
through the washing machine of the ashram and Amma’s grace! All clean… ready to
go and get dirty again!
As a toddler never getting enough of dust, mud!
I am left … completely lost, not knowing any more who I am,
all defense mechanisms removed, naked as a child, defenseless… in front of his
mother, loving, carrying, proudly smiling at him!
The world seems completely new, but very scary too!
Going back to my past…and trying there too to build bridges
between 2 very different worlds: spirituality and ashram life for me in the
past 2 years, with… 5* hotels, hard core consulting missions, M&A type of
life style, on and off, all or nothing… high end strategies, trendy people,
hyper seduction…
the world of the 4P’s I am coming from (see ‘Diary Moods’ section of this blog: 4Ps
against 1P, my decisions, my clear positioning)… the Consulting/Banking
country…
leaving my present , safe space here, where I healed my
wounds deeply, where I learned to trust myself, self acceptance, self
nurturing, forgiveness and moved on!
Moving on into my future, with new colors, new pictures, new
songs to write, new social projects to design, to implement… with pianists,
painters, surfers and or mothers, or simply unavailable presidents of the
pre-mentioned c/b countries??
Today… as much as I am really scared to face those demons of
the past outside of the safe and comforting, familiar environment where I
healed from them, I am full of faith and hope, I trust God, Life, Amma’s grace
(who blessed so strongly my choice to go back and see for myself how to build
my own world, family…).
I do not know what will happen, I have no expectations, I
know it will be hard and that once more I am like a bird on a dry branch,
having to be ready to fly away!
But I am full of hope, looking at those bridges over the
backwaters, the Adour, La Seine, the Thames, the Isaar, proudly; full of faith,
strength and courage to build more, now …. From serenity, compassion and… LOVE!
14-08-12
Love
Of course you will have got it by now: I am not IN love with
that priest, I love her …simply.
Before I needed so much love I often confused everything:
lust for love, sex for love, tenderness and soft eyes for lust… like bugs stuck
on neon…
Today I am simply aware of how important tenderness and
honesty are to me.
Today every day I choose serenity, compassion and love in my
life.
All I want now is a healthy, loving, faithful and honest
relationship.
No more passion that burn, compulsion that through you of
your feet, craziness, dramas! No dreams, just reality even when it bites!
Building trust, accepting love takes time, patience,
engagement, perseverance…
If I do not have these clear signs inside of me I now know I
will walk away courageously accepting the misfit, the no-go.
Such as relief to feel that I own my feelings again. That
the remote control is in my own hands. That I have a way to decode, to find
peace inside, and a choice to grow with love, starting from me.
I do not need, I want.
I feel Devine Love inside of me and this love is my core, my
center, my purpose in life.
Last year in the mountains I met a girl with whom I had a
strong physical connection and despite many red signals (smoking, not taking
care of herself, aggressivity…) which should have led to accept that it is OK
not to fit I fell in the trap of neediness. And it was so strong that even
after realizing the amazing mirror that had been put in front of me (she was
fucking me like a man, like I probably did many times, no love, just lust…harsh
as a rugby player…) I took me a long time to get the lesson, the teachings.
Today I send her love and wish her to find peace in this quest
of love… in inadequate places.
Of course I still think about the perfect romance at times,
starting in the street with flowers, music…
How to do then when instead of your best friend you fall for
the ‘slut’?
The one fucking like a man, the one who was shagging another
man the night before or after you…when she decides to have some fun with you??
Well I have not yet got the answer to how to really trust
such a start…
All the insecurities of my inner child came up. The
generations of jealous Corsicans, proud matchos rose!.
So I did at first reject the corrupted situations, the
unwanted feelings.
But I guess love has unexpected ways and after clearly
starting on the wrong foot, I saw some flowers around… stated that I only
wanted an honest and faithful relationship and things as by magic… got
together.
I followed my heart, not my ego.
This time I took the lesson of the mirror, realizing that
all the insecurities rising where only my projections, my fears of being
unfaithful, of not being enough…abandonment.
I am now learning to trust myself in this new space of
devine love, inside my heart, my soul.
I know there is no way back to old coping mechanisms,. That
if I cheat I will pay the price: love, the love inside my heart for myself, for
God, for my partner will be damaged badly.
I consciously choose today to respect this sacred love, not
for her, but for me, not in a romanticized projection of an hypothetic future
but today, here and now.
Today I choose to be with her because I want her in my life,
because I feel I am a better person growing in the bridge of love.
Her behaviors, my jealousy demons, all other fears linked do
not have anything to do with it.
I can now choose to act or not on those impulsions, fears.
22-07-12
No women… no cry….
Flying over the Arabian sea, over an ocean of tenderness,
soft appearance of cotton, an infinite welcoming bed, I am taken by surprise by
this wave of sensitivity.
I have not cried in years, feelings at times the utter pain
of this dryness, of this drought of my heart, not being able to let go, to
abandon my pride, my ego and all the pains I identified so strongly…making the
whole psychological pain more physically acute every time, to the point of
transferring into Metastasis, polypus -facing death- like I know deep inside
that these tears are the symbol, the expression of my liberation almost a
detachment to needed pains, coping mechanisms.
Letting go of the fears, finally materializing pain and
witnessing it flood my shirt, not paying attention to the surprise and concern
of my neighbors.
I am so tired that I fall asleep.
And wake up after a while like after a hangover!
Have I dreamed this?
How can I cry when I am on my way to meet the woman of my
life, the one in my life, the one I miss every moment since one month.
Today, here and now, the person I want to smile at all the
time -actually smiling at her now, my neighbors now must think I am really
crazy! – the one I am want to share my craziest dreams, my deepest prayers, my
best friend, my lover, my daily life.
Well I am not sad, just letting go, actually starting to
feel slowly the joy a new freedom: I do
not need pain any more to identify happiness.
I do not need to sabotage to feel I am worth it.
I do not need to fear … to try, to reject… to welcome.
I AM that, in between happy and sad, very present here and
now, grateful and very attentive, conscious of the fragility of life,
responsible to live my life to the fullest, not in a frantic despair of fear of
loosing but in a strong, serene consciousness of my responsibility to give back
to God all the good I received, to reveal all the qualities he placed in me,
express them by serving the Universe: love, be happy, cherish every moment,
express the blessing of loving her, feeling her love, capable to take it now.
Abandoning myself and yet completely aware of impermanence, responsible of my
actions, master of my mind and feelings, strong mentally and physically, and
yet perfectly fragile, vulnerable, not afraid of my tears.
Not needing like before to go through the ‘matcho list’ each
time I was feeling weak: I am a 100kg rugby player, strong black belt in judo,
carried some men on my shoulders on a ladder at the fire brigade of Paris, shot
war riffles when I was training as an army officer…’
I could have killed thousands of people, here and now, it
would not heal or protect me from the wounds opened from the past, the fears
shrinking me into the fearful little boy, petrified by his shouting voice, all
these fears that brought me to the darkest borders, cliffs of despair.
Today I wash it away in tears and I thank Bob and Marley to
have made it… acceptable, touching… human… even courageous, masculine….. to cry
17-03-12
FEEL GOOD TOOLS-PRACTICES
Try it and you will see
I have suffered so many years from ups and downs without knowing what to do about it besides normal halopathy treatments and numerous psychological therapies... until I started to work with sophrology for myself and others...and I then started to develop my own methods, compiling tools.
Year after year, developing ways to deal with my stress, with my difficulties to deal with overwhelming emotions, responsibilities...to tame a hyperactive mind, brain... to embrace my life with all my potential, instead of living in fears... in the dark.
Here are a few of them:
For sophrology please go and check:
and the amazing school of my sophrology Master, my friend, Martine...
The core of the practice I currently apply in my life right now is: I AM meditation, the meditation and yoga tool developed and used at the ashram here.
So yes meditation and yoga, between 2 to 3 hours per day, waking up at 4.30am, and going to bed before 10pm makes it possible.
check:
Then of course some elements of positive thinking, corporality, realistic objectives coming from sophrology.
‘this is a good day starting for me’
Visualisation of positive situations, projection of success, retroplanning...
Now here a new one in my life... which has had an amazing impact in the way I see my role here, the way I embrace it, the way I develop my purpose, my sense of belonging...
I pick up trash, when ever I can, whenever it makes sense.
For example on my way to university (10min walk from ashram side to university side...) I try to find a plastic bag on the way and fill it till I arrive with trash, mostly plastic... and then drop it in one the uni bins.
It had the immediate effect to make me focus on my mission of setting Amala Bharatam outside the ashram as a successful social enterprise, I sets my mind on selfless service, I chant my mantra while doing it and it does liberate my mind, focussing it on my purpose.
I have seen as well surprised faces of fellow teachers as well as some of my students... very surprised at first and then getting it....
I am sure it can only bring a positive influence.
Like James, this London boy that inspired me to do so: when I first met him I was very judgemental: he looked like a thug, and I put him in the ‘football fans’ category, the hooligans I had to avoid when I was coming back home late in Fulham and there was a Chelsea game...
The one that stab you for no reason.
Well I saw this dude picking up trash on Varkala beach, for hours at sunset time, having indians coming to him asking, embarassed what he was doing.
And then I realised. You don’t do this for them, but for yourself.
Feeling good to do your bit about Mother Nature, even if there double trash the next day. Perseverance, faith, courage, positive attitude...is what it takes...
and what it brings you actually, right away... well at what it brought me!
I started to clean places on my own like that, in silence, chanting my mantra... in the wonderful mountains of Reunion Island. Coming down on ‘Cirque de Mafate’...and getting close to La Nouvelle!
I started to pick up trash for myself and felt so good about it.
And the feeling is still the same one year after.
I do feel a new sense of self, a new connection to Gaia, to God.
31 of December 2011
After 3 weeks in Kerala, I landed in Trivandrum airport on the 3rd of dec 2011, an urge to share as well as to make amends, take my share, straighten things up, and turn a page, move on... takes me down under...by the guts... and I need to reach out:
Sukamaano to you all,
First of all let me apologize for these harassing emails some of you may have received in the past weeks, one of these indian internet cafe virus I guess, selling viagra (like if I would know someone who needs it!!) ... and other porn stuff (well...:-)...yet no changes in my destination/objectives... still an ashram life, all dressed in white... in a remote place of south west india and its NGO projects...just with a kind of IT turista!
I will be switching to Gmail later on this month, safer... as the same.... indian people advise me to do (since they are real geeks...)... for those who would like my new contact details, please ask...just let me know!
For those who do not like long emails let me just wish you nice moments for the end of this year...and 2012.
For those who are disturbed/annoyed by this unexpected email just delete it, and put my email address in your SPAMS
For the others...
indeed hoping you had sincere and happy moments of sharing with your loved ones... by a fire place in good cold England, Barcelona, California, New York, or on a beach in Australia, New Zealand, Barbados...looking outside the window at the glittering/overwhelming commercials for Xmas and NYE... so often so remote from its spiritual initial meaning and main purpose...but hey...ho ho ho!
The mayas, astheques and other soltheques believe that the 21 of december 2012 a new era will start for our world, our societies, our Gaia; the sun system reaching more or less half of its life time (5 billion more years to go... so no panic... we still have some more time ...to waist it/blow it all :-)
So not only to escape the depressing predictions of some, or gloomy economic perspectives for developed countries economies for the coming decade, I decided to walk the talk of these predicted cathartic changes and pack 2 bags, 2 computers, 2 social innovation bibles...2 surfboards, my uke and make my way here!...
as well as start to practice as much as I can the teachings/satsangs I am getting here: compassion, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, selfless service, impermanence... and so many more!
Hence my email to you ALL this time, turning this big page/chapter of just as well half of my journey (hopefully...?!)...
to the ones that have enlightened my path, shared so many wonderful, inspiring moments... from Los Alamos, the grandiose Andes, Patagonia, to amazing 3 days in Biarritz for my 40th, stunning surf in Maldives, US tour with Amma, and splendid surfing time, stunning mountain trekking in Reunion island...from a small mat on the floor of an hindu temple in Trivandrum to a luxury penthouse facing the Eiffel Tour or Portobello road (thank you my Cisters)!
and to the other ones with ....less inspiring, less enjoyable moments....to say the least.
May 2012 be for you ALL a year of true changes... sweet, soft, positive... hoping for a new world, new societies, emerging models where maximization of individual profit will not be anymore the core of our economic growth models nor the nicest biggest better deal, car, house, ring...but hopefully placing communities and their core original essence at the centre of its developing mechanisms...and ego a bit less ruling all human interactions!
Some of the topics of my possible PhD thesis here: demondialization, deglobalization, placing communities (and their intrinsic characteristics) at the centre of growth cycles, exchange processes, definition of motivation/impacting factors and development of the BoP.
But let me start by thanking you all for your inspiration, the moments we share/shared as key influences for the project I am embarking on here and the values I am filling my new life with.
The good (my 40th , 3 days in Biarritz with many of you, cruises around the isle of White, uke jams all around London, festivals...surf weekends in Ireland, Devon, Cornwall…ISEP reunions in Istanbul, in Berlin lately...) and the less good...the backstabbing, fake compassion and gossiping spread in such a ....charitable environment... the chauvinistic colleagues that shoot you in the back when you don’t praise them, when you don’t do like they do…or have the same flag…pretending budget cuts…asking you to work for free...the control freaks, asking to comply to their manic compulsions …perfume to cover their... thank God we have internet and Facebook now, to find a hubby, or a new shagg, great way for emotionally impaired to engage in the open world…people personifying their dogs into...babies and treating their 'friends' like dogs...people that say sorry in ways that make you doubt their sincerity .... or is it me still not understanding the 100 ways of saying sorry in queen's english?).
Well ...glad all this is behind, but honestly... I am really glad as well to have been through all of this, honestly.
Each of these experiences have taught me a lot, and I am thankful to have been challenged to face them... to grow… and to now take the challenge I am facing here in India, starting a social innovation incubator, and my own social enterprise.
A friend here once shared with me her childhood history, and how she managed to forgive her drug addicted parents, violent, abusive: abandonment… irresponsibility….bad treatments…selfishness… a true Dickens’ story (far from mine): “because hate was eating me up physically and mentally…and I knew I could not/did not want to keep so much hate in me but only love. My forgiving them truly did not make them any better nor what they did any more acceptable, but allowed me to live more free…in peace”
It took me quite some time to understand this, to engrane it…actually 5 months in Amma’s ashram, 1 month of meditation in the Himalaya and amazing Reunion Island…
Allow me now to take my share, to say sorry to those I hurt, my sincere apologies for my behavior often categorical, steep, final, impulsive, compulsive, at times sudden, violent, verbally, physically ...
The Indians consider that we choose our family, our friends furthermore, those we spend time with, and that we built kharma (the grace that touches us) in daily acts.... to grow.... to settle things in this life (they look the incarnation / enlightenment through as many lives as necessary .... or ... to reincarnation and Hindu worlds Buddhists).
So yes! my apologies to you all and thank you.
I chose you, all, family, friends, work colleagues ... situations ... Siemens, PMGI, Action Planning, CAF, Bilbao SIP ...
and accept everything I have lived with you .... all.
As well I choose now to only try and go to things that bring me a positive energy, people who want / choose to take time to share, create time together, which are not always overbooked, ... look in the same direction, or choose to argue, fight, disagree, or even mock ... but with respect and compassion.
No more 'lets grab a bite sometime soon' 'We absolutely have to make a coffee ...' 'I'll call you to confirm you when I come to you'...' we will get back to you on this mission… can you work for free?’ ... or people who do not take sides (not to go is to choosing to stay ...) ...
No more bland things, can’t do it anymore, I am not available ...for that!
So, here it is for a special goodbye…we’ll meet again... some sunny day…somewhere.... for a few of you ... that’s sure (if those polyps decide to be benign) and good luck, good life for others .... sincerely.
For more precise info on my new project here, or just ... fresh news, I will soon put stories / adventures, pictures, videos on the 'Le camino de diego' blog mentioned above.
Peace and light to you all from this small portion of land (God's Own Land, as they casually refer) between Arabian Sea and backwaters! southwest of India.
JnD
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