Ouch, Aie, Aoua!!!
Gosh, how hard it is...
to realize that this new path is definitely not a summer camp/a holiday (as much as the palm trees, the tropical fruits and beautiful beaches of Kerala have fooled me lately...) the daily life here is really hard in every way, especially when you are not just visiting as a tourist (which I was last time I was here, last year)
to find yourself stuck in an emotional washing machine, and not know when the cleansing program is planned to stop!
to feel that there is NO way back to old patterns, old copying mechanism, security systems (and God knows I am trying to escape regularly and get hammered every time stronger...:-); only moving forward is allowed, and taking a leap of faith (so scary...)
to wake up at 4.30 every morning to chant the 1000 holy names, archana, and still function well the rest of the day
to drag myself down (from the 15th floor of the E Building where I am staying, in front of the sea...) to go for satsangs or darshans, or even just food when I do not want to see anybody, avoiding their judgmental looks, uncompassionnate... and misunderstanding my mood swings for arrogance...and/or utterly painful doubts for laziness or unwillingness...
to listen any more to the bajans, quite disgracious at times coming out so loudly of the little hindu temple loudspeakers, across the road, in front of the building, during festival times...from 4AM to 9PM... without a break...so loud you cannot escape from it!
the cope with some local people burping in front of you, farting, spitting... and then smiling at you as if you are supposed to do the same
to be patient and go with local uses and ways to work, ways of committing or ... not, ways of setting/respect deadlines ...or not, and previous arrangements...keep faith that this path is right for me...
to think I have made progresses in taming my mind and find myself falling again, following the negative thoughts whispered by the black monkey in my head...on my knees after having used quick fixes, superficial pleasures to cope with growing feelings of abandonnement, self deprecation, sabotage...
to feel so alone at times to the point of acute burning pains in the stomach (gastritis kicking in again, polipis/cancer threat... ear infections now...)...My whole body telling me how much indeed there is NO WAY BACK!
and the need finally, to find this unconditional love inside, alone...
to find so many times so much hate inside and resentment to family, friends...local people I interact with through work and seva... that hurts too...
to find so much unwillingness to understand and support from people that pretend to be here to help, the feeling of rejection than felt with some friends and family ...
well... I guess all these experiences are there only to strengthen what I know already...
I AM NOT MY FEELINGS...
but yes it is indeed really hard... at times... (since last week, one week in my room, watching DVDs to num the feelings of uselessness, to heal the ear infections, acute pains... and try not to think too much of why am I here... why do I have to stand this and accept to be so disrespected at times...)
Gosh, how hard it is...
to realize that this new path is definitely not a summer camp/a holiday (as much as the palm trees, the tropical fruits and beautiful beaches of Kerala have fooled me lately...) the daily life here is really hard in every way, especially when you are not just visiting as a tourist (which I was last time I was here, last year)
to find yourself stuck in an emotional washing machine, and not know when the cleansing program is planned to stop!
to feel that there is NO way back to old patterns, old copying mechanism, security systems (and God knows I am trying to escape regularly and get hammered every time stronger...:-); only moving forward is allowed, and taking a leap of faith (so scary...)
to wake up at 4.30 every morning to chant the 1000 holy names, archana, and still function well the rest of the day
to drag myself down (from the 15th floor of the E Building where I am staying, in front of the sea...) to go for satsangs or darshans, or even just food when I do not want to see anybody, avoiding their judgmental looks, uncompassionnate... and misunderstanding my mood swings for arrogance...and/or utterly painful doubts for laziness or unwillingness...
to listen any more to the bajans, quite disgracious at times coming out so loudly of the little hindu temple loudspeakers, across the road, in front of the building, during festival times...from 4AM to 9PM... without a break...so loud you cannot escape from it!
the cope with some local people burping in front of you, farting, spitting... and then smiling at you as if you are supposed to do the same
to be patient and go with local uses and ways to work, ways of committing or ... not, ways of setting/respect deadlines ...or not, and previous arrangements...keep faith that this path is right for me...
to think I have made progresses in taming my mind and find myself falling again, following the negative thoughts whispered by the black monkey in my head...on my knees after having used quick fixes, superficial pleasures to cope with growing feelings of abandonnement, self deprecation, sabotage...
to feel so alone at times to the point of acute burning pains in the stomach (gastritis kicking in again, polipis/cancer threat... ear infections now...)...My whole body telling me how much indeed there is NO WAY BACK!
and the need finally, to find this unconditional love inside, alone...
to find so many times so much hate inside and resentment to family, friends...local people I interact with through work and seva... that hurts too...
to find so much unwillingness to understand and support from people that pretend to be here to help, the feeling of rejection than felt with some friends and family ...
well... I guess all these experiences are there only to strengthen what I know already...
I AM NOT MY FEELINGS...
but yes it is indeed really hard... at times... (since last week, one week in my room, watching DVDs to num the feelings of uselessness, to heal the ear infections, acute pains... and try not to think too much of why am I here... why do I have to stand this and accept to be so disrespected at times...)
La France doit te manquer: Un délinquant qui se prend pour un djihadiste tue froidement des femmes et des enfants. Il est abattu par la police après 24H de négociations et son père, ancien dealer en France qui vit maintenait en Algérie après avoir abandonné sa famille, porte plainte contre la France !!!! reviens ! les Français vont avoir besoin de leçons de zénitude !!!!
ReplyDeleteLes annees passent et la manipultation politique de l'extremisme est la meme, avant Mitterand, maintenant Sarko... se servent du FN et de l'islamisme pour .... ratisser le plus large possible. Qu'on ne me dise pas que ce n'etait pas possible de gazer ce mec et arreter sans tout ce vacarme ce delinquant et ses complices/famille... sans en faire des martyrs et des portes drapeaux! En effet ca donne pas vraiment envie de revenir... au milieu de toute cette haine...et ces manipulations...Bons courages les potos...
ReplyDeleteOne commment from my friend U. indian, leaving in the west:
ReplyDeleteDiego, I read it and since I do not have an account required to become a member, I didn't leave any comments. Frankly, I was appalled and shocked and saddened by some of what you had written and so didn't want to leave any comments either. love U.
and:
Diego, I found your comments really arrogant, what the Indian's call, "westernized", individualistic and selfish. Having suffered the London underground and being nauseous thanks to having everyone's underarms at my nose level, avoiding rats at certain stops, and being pushed off a station, "Fuck off Paki".... I was surprised that India was so violently different for you. I hated the deathlike silence in the west, the much valued reserve and privacy (except when drunk)... the coldness and distant soul-less-ness of the West. I had a neighbour die in the house across from mine in the US and we found out two days later. My father didn't answer the phone in Mumbai and we called a neighbour who tracked him and had him call us. See the difference? I learned to go beyond the quiet, cold and unfriendliness and try and find what really mattered: humanity. I miss the signs of life, the vibrancy of India, the colour, the noise, the fact that we are alive, not dead, odourless, lifeless, soundless, colourless life I lead here in the US, France and the UK. Yes India is crowded... all cities are. Moev to a village or a small town for a quieter life. I used to commute from a village in Surrey when London got too much for me. We do have choices. Look for what's important, not what's superficial. That's when I stopped feeling suicidal in the west, when I started building bridges, human, emotional bridges. The quiet became tolerable, the lack of colour and life and sound became tolerable... but I still count the days to go home... always. Love. U.
and my answer then:
ReplyDeleteBeautiful U... I agree with all the above.
And I do apologize if some of my raw feelings/ comments I make have upset you.
Do you mind I post your comments myself on my blog? You are the only person that had the guts to tell me what you think.
Now coming back to some of your comments: I am indeed living in a remote village in Kerala in an ashram, not in a crowded urban area. And if I want to do the project I embarked on, I do not have much choice, I have to live here. I choose to live close to the spiritual master I chose (which coming from a western culture you surely imagine is already a bug step), to the life I feel I need now. Other choices would be to live in a suburban area or even a big town and work for western like organizations, plenty of them (Mumbai, Bangalore, Delhi) teach in Bangalore...
But I want/choose to stay here. That does not mean I find the uses easy to cope with... nor the dirtiness of London, Paris more bearable/acceptable...
Is it really arrogant to mention what seems to be a cultural habit of eructing loudly or fart in public (like I did experience it from very educated people in meetings or even meditation retreats?) Is this about a battle of which culture is the most selfish one, or the most community oriented one?
I come from rural areas in France, and I too have neighbors watching over my aging parents: this is not an indian speciality and it is sad that you could not experience it, especially in southern europe where communities, families, villages are still very important, and very bond/collaborative/supportive with one another.
Now having said that, the notion of Karma in India, I believe, and it is only my own experience seem to make some people I have met here, more selfish or more harsh towards cruelty, death, bad life conditions of poor, deprived people: i.e. amazingly brutal behaviors with animals, like dogs, cats (not cows of course), incredible detachment towards people dying in the street, and this coming from people who have money,education, even spiritual practices...
Me first, in the bus, elbowing like hell... in many circumstances...
India for me, as I currently experience it, is a country of huge gaps, huge contrasts: the quietest meditation place and the loudest temple loudspeakers or communist party cars moving around with huge loudspeakers...the nice flowers, fragrances, with the dirtiest places, very little waste management exists in the places i have visited, even in IT heaven Bangalore... And the next challenge India seems to be facing, as I experience it with kids from middle to upper class (since the class system here seems to still be very strongly alive, sadly Gandhi's hopes did not succeed here, everywhere I have been), an amazing materialistic paradigm, egoistic, normal in any fast growing country where individual maximization of profit is the only goal, just as much as in London or Paris...This combined with a level of quality in many projects and products which is not helping to export, or balance high end imports...or to a very burdening level of administrative hinderance, red tapes...still using british systems in organizations, administrations coming from the 19th century.
Well even with all these struggles, admin nightmares, cultural difference making work collaboration really hard, I still stick to my dream to participate to projects making a real difference at grassroots level, doing seva every day, in composting or recycling, willingly, but I guess you skipped that part of my blog in the Projects section...
I too do send you lots of love and compassion wishing you to find in the west the balance to the sorrows you describe, as much as I am trying myself here to do so
Peace and light sister.
Jnananand
and I guess today:
ReplyDeleteI am always sorry and upset when I get angry but at the same time accepting it. Is it that bad to feel overwhelmed and speak about it?... even in a general unkind way? I only share instant feelings, I do not punch or kill anybody here, just get very frustrated...
And at the end of the day I am still sleeping on the floor, trying to solve some BoP sorrows here, having renunciated at least for some time to a comfortable life...
while others... sleep in a nice house in the US or the UK ...
So... well I am simply going to smile and keep on being honest and forward about the things I experience here and my open feelings about them
FEELINGS! That's why you have your blog, to share with us your feelings. Keep doing it. I feel very close to you because of that, and from Argentina I always remember you and send you light and peace! Eres mi gran ejemplo de ser humano que intenta mejorarse dia a dia, peleando contra sus debilidades y siguiendo lo que le dicta el corazon, ese gran corazon que tienes! Sos una de las personas mas sensibles y generosas que conozco. A muchas personas les gustaria ser como vos y tener esa libertad de seguir las mejores olas a donde lo lleven. You are Brave!
ReplyDeleteI became a member just to follow your blog!
Sofi xxoo
Gracias Sofi,
ReplyDeleteSi no seria por el amor que tengo por Horacito (y tambien la concienca que el esta el mejor esposo que podias encontrar!) y todas esas mujeres que te ha hecho... le preguntaria a tu papa por tu mano!!! ...en el CUBA...como 20 anos atras!!! :-)
Vosotros estan, todos, siempre en mi corazon!
Me hiciste emocionar!! Me hiciste revivir aquellos dias en Paris cuando nos conocimos. No había leído tu respuesta.No te olvides que en Sacre Coeur cuando eramos muy chicos nos "casamos" una tarde muy linda de sol. Y creo que desde entonces seguimos conectados por siempre a pesar de la distancia. Vos tambien estas en mi❤️ siempre 😀 :)
ReplyDelete