Saturday, July 21, 2012
No women...no cry...
Flying over the Arabian sea, over an ocean of tenderness, soft appearance of cotton, an infinite welcoming bed, I am taken by surprise by this wave of sensitivity.
I have not cried in years, feeling at times the utter pain of this dryness, of this drought of my heart, not being able to let go, to abandon my pride, my ego and all the pains I identified and engraved so strongly…making the whole psychological pain more physically acute every time, to the point of transferring into Metastasis, polypus, acidity -facing death- like I know deep inside that these tears are the symbol, the expression of my liberation almost a detachment to needed pains, coping mechanisms, hate and resentment.
Letting go of the fears, finally materializing pain and witnessing it flood my shirt, not paying attention to the surprise and concern of my neighbors.
I am so tired that I fall asleep.
And wake up after a while like after a hangover!
Have I dreamed this?
How can I cry when I am on my way to meet the woman of my life, the one in my life, the one I miss every moment since one month.
Today, here and now, the person I want to smile at all the time -actually smiling at her now, my neighbors now must think I am really crazy! – the one I am want to share my craziest dreams, my deepest prayers, my best friend, my lover, my daily life.
Well I am not sad, just letting go, actually starting to feel slowly the joy a new freedom: I do not need pain any more to identify happiness.
I do not need to sabotage to feel I am worth it.
I do not need to fear … to try, to reject… to welcome.
I AM that, in between happy and sad, very present here and now, grateful and very attentive, conscious of the fragility of life, responsible to live my life to the fullest, not in a frantic despair of fear of loosing but in a strong, serene consciousness of my responsibility to give back to God all the good I received, to reveal all the qualities he placed in me, express them by serving the Universe: love, be happy, cherish every moment, express the blessing of loving Her, feeling Her love, capable to take it now. Abandoning myself and yet completely aware of impermanence, responsible of my actions, master of my mind and feelings, strong mentally and physically, and yet perfectly fragile, vulnerable, not afraid of my tears.
Not needing like before to go through the ‘matcho list’ each time I was feeling weak: I am a 100kg rugby player, strong black belt in judo, carried some men on my shoulders on a ladder at the fire brigade of Paris, shot war riffles when I was training as an army officer…’
I could have killed thousands of people, here and now, it would not heal or protect me from the wounds opened from the past, the fears shrinking me into the fearful little boy, petrified by his shouting voice, all these fears that brought me to the darkest borders, cliffs of despair.
Today I wash it away in tears and I thank Bob and Marley to have made it… acceptable, touching… human… even courageous and masculine….. to cry.