Reflecting on the past 2 years I have spent in an ashram
(mostly this year 10 months), and especially the past weeks, days, very moving,
cathartic, bringing up lots of stuff, disturbing mirrors… here in south west of
India, volunteering, selfless service, with a university built by Amma the
spiritual guide in all this… inspiring so strongly the PhD in social innovation
which I am starting (final approval letter received yesterday!)…
I am puzzled at the amount of experiences, teachings I have
had to face… often in very painful ways.
But for the few moments of grace that I experienced, pure
unconditional love, this year in few occasions… I will do it again… any time!
I feel I have been here those past 10 months mostly...
building… bridges!
Built a bridge between my past and the person I want to
become: accepting where I come from and embracing fully the values, satsangs I
engrained here, here and now (see Religions, Darshan, in 'My Projects' section).
Heal the past, look clearly/honestly at the bad, the pains
with courage, with compassion, without escaping in compulsions, seduction modes…
with love for the copying mechanisms I had to put in place to survive.
Then.. grieve, be thankful, grateful... forgive and… move on!
Forgive family friends, myself! And build new bridges… on
the positive!
Build a bridge between 2 cultures: the western one, European
Judeo-Christian driven often by guilt, as well capitalism, culture of
achievement… and the Hindu- Buddhist one with Kharma at its core, and red tapes
and chaos around it!
Not comparing but studying, learning, feeling the
differences in me and letting the good emerge!
As shared in ‘My
Projects’ section, a spiritual journey in India my religion, my
ancestors’ legacy is Catholicism and I remain a believer in Jesus, following
with faith his message on love and forgiveness. But today I pray just as well
Kali and Ganesh to remove my shortcomings and obstacles.
Building bridges in methods, ways of working too.
I have always been pushy in my work, pushing myself, others,
in the sports I practiced (judo-rugby-flying-surfing…) piloting, driving
things.
Well here... I ran into Kerala brick walls!!!! And in any other
circumstances, without the grace of Amma, I would have left after a few weeks!
But I learned so much in sticking to it, realizing that all
I could do, was changing my own attitude.
Not judging the Indian chaotic ways of working but finding
creative approaches to adjust, adapt, make the most of both worlds, build
bridges.
Learning just was well to be very aware, mindful of my tendency to be
too pushy, and hence to more space to people, let them come to me, express
themselves in the way they are taking their time, their space, not pulling or
pushing, especially with women, authoritarian ones!!!
And lately letting go of the projects I have driven strongly
since a few months, letting people take over, own those projects.
They are not mine, I do not own anything, anybody. These are
just mere experiences meant to make me grow. So why not learning detachment
from it.
I still care and will follow up, be present but not
ATTACHED. I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone!
So if people embrace the ideas I have initiated and take
them forward in their own ways and with the full blessing of Amma (given so
strongly last Wednesday to 30 students and 10 mentors on the SSR projects) I
can only trust it will work!
When you build a bridge it is important to let go of the way
it is going to be used, by whom…
If you put a toll/rules it will only reduce the flow of love
intended in the first place.
Building a bridge as well between universities: Insead and
Amrita, a European megalopolis and a Malayalam remote village, an hymn to
capitalism and a spiritual university, the best business school in the world
with the 17th ranked in India, ASB!
Lets see what will come out of it: maybe a great conference
inspiring both worlds? Maybe a research project, the PhD I am starting, bridging, linking, influencing
communities through selfless service and social innovation?
A bridge of love just as well with people I have been afraid
of all my life: dictatorial, authoritarian, especially women (never knew how to
deal with them!)
And Gosh did I feel humiliated here. But as bruised as I am
here, been, I feel like I am going back to Europe next week, having spread
love, opened my heart honestly, try with all I have to bring positive energy
building projects together, singing together, praying together…
So here I am, 10 months here in 2012, 6 in 2011, having been
through the washing machine of the ashram and Amma’s grace! All clean, a lot lighter (lost 25 kilos in 2 years and loads of illusions!)… ready to
go and get dirty again!
As a toddler... never getting enough of dust, mud!
I am left as well … completely lost, not knowing any more who I am,
all defense mechanisms removed, naked as a child, defenseless… in front of his
mother, loving, carrying, proudly smiling at him!
The world seems completely new, but very scary too!
Going back to my past…and trying there too to build bridges
between 2 very different worlds: spirituality and ashram life for me in the
past 2 years, with… 5* hotels, hard core consulting missions, M&A type of
life style, on and off, all or nothing… high end strategies, trendy people,
hyper seduction copying mechanisms (feels like the ones I grew up into!)… the world of the 4P’s I am coming from (see ‘Diary Moods’ section of this blog: 4Ps
against 1P: my decisions today, here and now, my clear positioning, what I need)… the Corporate/Consulting/Banking land, country…leaving my present , safe space here, where I healed my
wounds deeply, where I learned to trust myself, self acceptance, self
nurturing, forgiveness and moved on!
Moving on into my future, with new colors, new pictures, new
songs to write, new social projects to design, to implement… with pianists,
painters, surfers? and or mothers, or just simply unavailable presidents of the
pre-mentioned c/c/b countries?? Donno, most probably a bit of all this! And I really don't know yet how to adjust, find my own space, feel serene and secure!
Today… as much as I am really scared to face those demons of
the past outside of the safe and comforting, familiar environment where I
healed from them, I am full of faith and hope, I trust God, Life, Amma’s grace
(who blessed so strongly my choice to go back and see for myself how to build
my own world, family…).
I do not know what will happen, I have no expectations, I
know it will be hard and that once again I am like a bird on a dry branch,
having to be ready to fly away, aware and alert.
But I am full of hope, looking at those bridges over the
backwaters, the Adour, La Seine, the Thames, the Isaar, proudly; full of faith,
strength and courage to build more, now …. From serenity, compassion and… LOVE!
So many experiences shared with you, occasions to confront
ideas, perspectives, to share stasangs, to grow, try, experiment, working,
praying, singing together.
So today I want to thank you all for these opportunities to
define further this part of spiritual, life path we took together.
