with my little backpack, my snacks... at...42!!!and yes... it is...inspiring, structuring, providing a reassuring frame, yet just as well ... tough, scary, bringing up many fears, doubts...
1st classes of my PhD in India... on Research Methodology: waoo!!! quite heavy to be honest, very structured, very rigorous, and quite boring at times for me! especially when classes come in a block of 4 hours and I realize that my concentration span is 45 min max!
But inspiring too, in a way. Knowing that it is a door to some great contacts in my field, building some legitimacy each day, new ideas, confronting, reading, developing models...
And yet bringing up a lot of doubts too:
What do I know? What can I prove? What can I build? Will I ever be an expert, in what field? Can I have an impact in my field, bring real innovative social solutions? Will I be able to modelize them in an interesting, academic way and still applicative enough? Will I manage these 4 years? Am I doing all this for my ego? Am I enough? Can I trust their support? Do I/did I really need to know, to find out, to research, to generate knowledge, to confront, to ask for the truth?
And of course when doubts come, I try to escape in every way possible, not able to see Light any more, destroying the good around me, in me!
But destroying the old, sometimes, leaving the past in the past, confronting... the void, the unknown, the uncertainty, not knowing if ... yes...will I be strong enough, always, in the future, the reality... the infinity of possibilities of research... of life... the fears, anxieties!!!
and moving on with faith, courage, honesty, that is as well necessary, healthy!
So... the one that has never had doubts, never acted on them... never panicked...never lost trust and faith...never requested clarity...
just throw the first stone!
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